"A" is for Alive - A to Z 2024

 

An Idiot's Guide to Randomness.

A diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Overwhelming anxiety, caused by violent, intrusive thinking. A potent regiment of medication (several). Two separate, one week stints in a behavioral hospital because I could not shake the believe that I would harm the ones I love. An overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and intense difficulty opening up to those closest to me. The sudden death of my mother. A divorce and yet, I remain.

I am still Alive.

"There is still a war going on within me, but things have changed. I'm no longer trying to destroy myself, I'm on a rescue mission now." - Just A Poet Guy

Some people float through life believing that all will be okay. Some have had it much easier and do not fret about tomorrow because, for them, the sun will always rise. A normal person has the ability to compartmentalize issues as they confront them, but that was not me. I would feel every action, every word, every comment and take that negativity intensely personal. Internally, it would create a range of mental and physical side effects that would intensify if not worked through immediately. It may start with a seemingly harmless thought or the idea that I have made an overwhelming mistake. I would ruminate on the lie and experience unbearable anxiety. My will to be "perfect" was not attainable, and I knew it, but it didn't stop me from trying. My stomach would begin to cramp and cause nausea. The thoughts would run away like a freight train and linger for days. In my darkest times, I questioned my sanity and even more so, my will to continue on. I would roll off of the couch upon waking and make a bee line to the medicine cabinet. The thought of missing a dose was uncomforting.

This continued for close to nineteen years. Like clockwork, I'd take those pills, searching for a synthetic happiness that would never materialize. It kept the obsessive thoughts at bay, mostly, but left me numb and not able feel much of anything.

The death of my mother in February of 2022, followed by the separation in March of 2023, I thought, was finally going to do me in.

I found myself lying on a bed, contemplating whether I could continue on and as I had almost reached my decision, the thought of my daughter, growing up without me, caused pause. And then a voice rang out, and it was not my own. The words continue to echo, "KEEP BREATHING!" I knew who spoke those words. I had not heard that phrase before but it reminded me of an exercise that I would complete in the past to combat intrusive thinking. Muster up the courage to inhale deeply and upon exhaling, envision the thought exiting. I continued this exercise for an hour, and with every exhale, I gained courage. "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

Now, free of medication and realizing that I do not lack strength, I am going to take all of those painful words, every hurtful remark, every intrusive lie told, every mistake made and the memory of  all of that hurt, pile them high, strike a match and watch those memories burn to the ground! And on that pile of ash, I will build a new.

"I'm on a rescue mission now."

NF - Leave Me Alone!

A to Z Challenge 2024, Theme Reveal

 

I know it's a couple of days late but late is better than never!

I'll begin by introducing myself and by providing a brief summation of my story.

My name is Nate, also known as ib (Idiot Box).

Circa 2012, this blog was created to shed light on the negative stigma of mental illness and my struggles with obsessive thinking and anxiety. I had posted regularly for approximately two/three years but lost my way. After a long hiatus, I returned to the scene and started dumping my baggage on this site for the world to see, yet again. Previously, I posted on others' blogs as a guest and took part in several hops and challenges. One challenge that I enjoyed back then was the A to Z Challenge. After so many years of being silent and after enduring some major life changes, I decided to enter the fray again. Upon my return, I realized that I enjoy writing and even more so, I enjoy being involved with other creatives and offering up support when they are experiencing their own trials and tribulations. So, here I am. Free of obsessive thinking and anxiety and ready for what's to come.

I have completely removed all of the older material and redesigned the page to incorporate a fresh start.

My theme for 2024 is admittingly different and will be entitled "An Idiot's Guide to Randomness".

Currently, life is busy and even after two months of brainstorming, I couldn't nail down a theme for the 2024 A to Z Challenge on my own, so I took to Google. (I don't put stock in AI but needed help and Google is always right, RIGHT?) After sifting through several possibilities, I found that there wasn't one that I would be able to commit twenty-six posts to in the span of one month so instead of waiting for inspiration, I made an executive decision and will let chance decide.

Enter Random Word Generator!

For each letter of the alphabet, I will  generate five words and from those, choose the juiciest one supplied and post something pertaining to it. I may tell a related personal story or a completely random  something or other but THERE WILL BE A POST!

Let the shenanigans begin!

It's More Fun To Believe

I'm a bit late in posting this so I apologize. Let's get right to it! 

As a child, I simply could not grasp the vastness of the earth and the billions of living organisms dwelling on it. This inability to wrap my mind around these simple facts planted a seed in the deep recesses of my thinking. How many things are still out there that we have not yet found and is it possible that some of the tales regarding cryptids and mythological creatures are true? And even if  they are difficult to believe in, isn't it fun to allow the mind to escape and imagine the possibilities?

Vampires have long been my favorite mythological creature. I have watched movies, read books and even watched anime with vampiric story lines but along the way, I have found other cryptids to be enjoyable to learn of as well. Everybody has heard the tale of Nessie, a dinosaur sized lake monster of Scottish folk lore roaming "mostly" undetected in Loch Ness. Or, maybe you fancy a "goat sucker", also known as a Chupacabra. Whatever your flavor is, there are enough to go around but let's dive in to one that I have recently found interesting!

Mothman

My interest in Mothman began not long ago, after watching the movie, The Mothman Prophecies, starring Richard Gere. Before the viewing, I had heard bits and pieces of the legend but had never taken the time to research it's origin.

Estimated to stand in excess of seven feet tall and display a wingspan of approximately ten feet wide, Mothman is said to be covered by dark gray or white fur covering a muscular build, an oddly shaped head, hypnotic red eyes and bird like in appearance. Some sightings suggest that while in flight, Mothman is able to maneuver through wooded areas at high speed.

The first known sighting of Mothman in the United States is said to have been reported in Point Pleasant, WV in the mid 1960's. It's origin and existence has been debated heavily since with possible sightings ranging from Chicago, IL to Argentina.

The Shawnee Tribe, who once inhabited the region now known as West Virginia, spoke of stories referring to the "Winged Man". It's presence brought impending despair and doom. It is said that when Mothman is near, the feeling of unease and fear overwhelms those in it's presence.

In December, 1967, The Silver Bridge, connecting Point Pleasant to the Ohio boarder, collapsed, killing forty-six people. It is believed that Mothman was responsible for the tragedy but there are some that  believe the creature was present to warn of the upcoming disaster.

Several sightings in Point Pleasant have been recorded but there is also no hard evidence of it's existence. 

Besides the movie mentioned above, there are several articles and books written on the Mothman phenomena. I recommend starting with the entry on Wikipedia.

While we are on the subject of cryptids and mythical creatures, have you heard of  the Wendigo?

If not, please allow me to share the name of one who can touch on the subject, Author Shannon Lawrence. I have been given an opportunity to spread the word regarding her upcoming release, Myth Stalker: Wendigo Nights

A late night call from her mentor sends Selina Moonstone on a mission to Canada, determined to track down a Wendigo and exterminate it.

Accustomed to facing off with the all too real creatures of Native American lore, Selina
discovers the Wendigo is someone close to her, forcing her to change gears from destruction to
frantic search for a cure. There's no known way to rid a person of the Wendigo spirit once it has
begun the consumption of the victim's soul, a lesson she learned the hard way in her youth.
With her loved one's transition to Wendigo imminent, Selina must fight her own lifelong
training as a Myth Stalker and find another way. She gathers a mismatched group of allies,
including a charming Sin Eater and a conceited mercenary Cryptid hunter from her past, and
embarks on a mission to find a solution before it's too late.

Myth Stalker: Wendigo Nights will be released on March 26, 2024 in paperback and e-book on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo and more at https://books2read.com/u/4AaOJd

  To find out more about Shannon's release and other interests, visit The Warrior Muse.

Thanks for stopping by the Hobbit. Please join me in supporting Shannon in the hard earned release.

Insecure Writers Support Group - March 6, 2024

 March? Really?

It's the first Wednesday of the month and only the lucky few know what that means!

INSECURE WRITERS SUPPORT GROUP DAY! YAY!

IWSG was created to provide a safe haven for writers to air their concerns and fears without appearing foolish or weak. All skill levels are welcome, from published authors to those like myself, that enjoy creating but have not acquired the courage to release their work to the masses.

A big thank you to Alex J. Cavanaugh is in order. He created this group long ago and has continued to support writer's in their quest to achieve writing success, no matter how big or small.

I would also like to thank the awesome co-hosts for this months addition.

Kristina Kelly, Miffie Seideman, Jean Davis and Liza @ Middle Passages.

Each month, a question is presented to the group and those that don't mind answering provide insight on the topic being addressed. Answering the question is always optional.

Today's question: Have you "played" with AI to write those nasty synopses or do you refuse to go that route? How do you feel about AI's impact on creative writing?

Back in October 2023, a similar question was asked on the topic of AI. My answer has not changed but if you would like, you can travel back in time to here!

If you get tired of the droning, feel free to skim through this or abandon it altogether. I completely understand.

I do not like the idea of substituting human thinking with artificial intelligence. We have become so horribly dependent on technology in society, as a whole, that we have abandoned the need to perform basic skills. I do not mean to downplay the importance of the internet and advancements in technology, but do not want to think about a future where our ability to create is replaced by something artificial. I can see how AI might assist in sparking an idea if you are in throws of a brain fart and cannot conjure up an idea naturally, but in order to complete a work, it should always include good old fashioned brain power and human emotion. At birth, we were given the innate ability to think and create using our minds. Science tells us that we only use ten percent of our brain on average. Imagine the possibilities if we were able to increase that percentage by only five percent. The internet was created by the human mind and almost all other advancements throughout history were as well.

I should probably tinker around with AI to be more informed but I don't wanna!

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the BLUE pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.

You take the RED pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes!"

Thank you Morpheus, RED pill please!

P.S...You will see a of months worth of posts in April if you venture back.

I am going to participate in the A to Z Challenge, which was created by Arlee Bird long ago. I'll be entering the fray for the first time in years. If you haven't already, click the link and join. It's a blast!

This years theme will be revealed on March 10, 2024. I hope to see you all there.