I Stand Alone

"Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start here." - Cheryl Strayed

I'll begin by admitting that I am normally not one to openly share my personal experiences with anyone outside of my little circle of trusted family and friends. This blog is in direct violation to my internal will to keep things locked away but I have to continually remind myself of the reason why I started this ten years ago. I needed a space to rid my mind of the intrusive thoughts so I didn't end up in a straight jacket, muttering sweet nothings to an imaginary friend in padded room. I search out comfort, just not the "padded cell" type of comfort.

The material since my return has been dark in nature. It is the ugly truth surrounding my life currently and as soon as the thoughts and words are out, things around here will lighten in nature and I will be free to bare my soul in a different, much more constructive way. This is necessary now.

Five Stages of Grief In Divorce

1. Denial

Simply put, there was no denying this split. It was long overdue and in fact, we put it off for far too long. The reasons may have been different for each of us but they all culminated in the current agreement to go are separate ways, and to do so amicably.

3. Bargaining

Again, there was none of this. We both concluded that this was necessary and the only real decisions that we needed to make were (A) Are attorneys going to get involved? (B) Do we agree to file no-contest and split everything 50/50? (C) Will I and my family have free reign to see my daughter whenever we/she chooses?

4. Depression

Ah yes. My old friend. I know you so well. And yes, I experienced depression but it is an old shoe.

I have felt depression and anxiety in some capacity for a very long time. Probably beginning in my early teens, I suspect.

5. Acceptance

There was a palpable amount of tension in at home. On occasion, we would find breathing room but it was short lived. It was affecting every aspect of life and it was evident, we could not bear it any longer. A necessary, albeit, painful choice had to me made. 

2. Anger

While reading through this, you may have noticed that I skipped number two. It was purposeful. The order as you see it is my experience. The anger came later.

Through this process, I have had an ample amount of time to sit and think unhindered. I simply could not feel anything when taking meds. Demeaning things were said in the past and it normally went in one ear and got caught up with the rest of the fuzz. I never acted on any of this shit because it didn't register. Now, it registers and I am very aware. Even during this journey of renewed life and purpose, I still combat anger. I am not angry every waking second but at times, I remember something from the past and the anger intensifies. After a short time, I am able to free myself from it mostly, but it still lingers. The day is coming though, a day when the hurt and sting will have no place in my thinking. I will be free to forgive. The anger will simply dissipate with nothing more than a whimper. On that day, I will truly be free.

"You take power back by letting people go." - Emma Xu

 

This post was short and to the point. My intentions are to never offend. I am here to empower my own thought process, not to drag anyone down. It is honest and it is painful, rehashing all of these feelings and buried emotions but it is absolutely necessary for me to move forward confidently.

This musical piece has been my new found mantra. Believe me, I am not alone. I have a wonderful support system in place but this still strikes a nerve when I hear it.

I Stand Alone - Godsmack