Send The Pain Below

"Drugs take you to hell, disguised as heaven." - Donald Lyn Frost

For years, I hid my true self. I locked away all of my dreams and aspirations. I settled in many ways and if it was anything, it was comfortable. I did/do not like excessive amounts of drama. I like my world cozy and with as little conflict as possible. I was prescribed medication to curb the emotional rollercoaster I was on and it did work as intended but like many things, having too much of some things ends up being the wrong thing. You form a routine and naturally that routine becomes a part of your norm. The meds were supposed to get me past the hump and in time, I would be weened from them and I would learn techniques to combat the obsessive thoughts by using good old fashioned brain power, exercise to help brain function and to get back on the rails of positive thinking habits. But, as I dove deeper into the rabbit hole, the medication took on a life of it's own. I needed it for stability and the thought of living free from it gave me a great deal of, you guessed it, anxiety. All of the research, all of the books, the articles, the testimonies, family encouragement, etc. was supposed to empower but it simply did not work for me. Like any addict, I convinced myself that I could not function without it. So, I continued to pop pills and I did so on a fairly extensive regiment. Lithium, Abilify, Flufoxamine, Zoloft and Ativan. You name it, I was currently taking it or had taken it at one time and I was unaware of the repercussions that using for so long would have on my being. It changed me. I was no longer me. I was lost internally and I wasn't even aware.

"Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside." Unknown

That is truth. No matter how hard my loved ones pushed for change, I was simply not able, or at least, I believed I was not able. I just kept slipping deeper and deeper into a very dark place. I was not living at all. I shut the door on most everyone and in time, I ended up exactly where I am today. The only thing that was going to save me was painful and drastic change. 

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." Japanese Proverb

I have heard this quote before and in truth, it did not motivate me until now. I can happily say that I am free of medication. I decided to ween myself off of everything. I was tired of feeling nothing. I wanted to feel again. I am an emotional being. I sob when things go horribly wrong. I have been known to tear up a bit when I experience an abundance of joy and I am okay with that. Feeling things again is going to take some getting used to but I want it badly. I want to experience pain again, as well as true joy and I am done telling myself that I need chemicals to make happiness happen. 

Over the past couple of weeks, I have rekindled my passion for things. I am sensitive but I will not allow someone to tip toe around me. I am gaining strength on a daily basis and it feels so good to feel again. I will get knocked down, I am sure, but no one person will destroy me and yes, I will get back up. 

I do hope that if you happen across this blog that you find strength if you need it. I have spent the last fifteen years pushing the pain down and not out. It is now time to take back myself and let the chips fall where they may.