Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Happy Halloween Eve

World, meet Clarice.
Clarice, say hello.....and be cordial, you evil little troll.

"Hello. You all look so.....so delicious."

Clarice here, was purchased for my daughter by my adoring sister, and while it is not yet known which store she was purchased from, I imagine that it was a little store off of the beaten path, a few miles north of HELL!

See, Clarice is diabolically "human looking" for a doll and as one may have guessed, creeps me the hell out. Maybe it stems from a scarred child hood, where I grew up being the youngest of three (Two older sisters, mind you.) and staying alive was a daily struggle. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because I watched Child's Play while I was still too young to handle such evil. But regardless of the exact origin of said fear, it is apparent that it still resides down deep in my psyche.

I must mention that, while Clarice is by far the most creepy doll "living" in our humble dwelling, she is not the only one. There are several Satan-born hell spawn running rampant in our home. Usually it is not a big deal, as my daughter is five years old and has the attention span of a rock, so it is easy to systematically remove the evil from the premises, but Clarice may have some staying power.

Over time, I have learned to live with Clarice and share our space cordially with her. For instance, we have some things in common with one another.

She absolutely hates Dora and wishes nothing less than for her to die a long and agonizing death at the hands of an extra terrestrial life form.
She is a gamer and really gets into it. Her favorite game is Call of Duty: Black Ops Zombies.
She is not all that good at it, as she prefers to watch the Zombies gnaw on  the games protagonist.
We both enjoy beef brisket.

"I said I wanted it RAW.....off the bone.....of a HUMAN."

Another thing we have in common is my disdain for snakes. It should be noted that, while I think that snakes are evildoers and deserve nothing less than death, she thinks that they are annoying but that, they make a good appetizer. Just before the main course, she gets pleasure from eating live snakes.....tail first.....so that, as she is working her way up the the head, they must bare the lions share worth of pain and then, feel the end surround them as she crunches down upon the cranium with the final and fatal bite. She has shared with me that they are extra tasty if they fight their inevitable demise by striking her plastic face repeatedly with venomous strikes. I simply agree.....Out of fear.

Having a live in psycho doll is not all guns and roses though.

She hogs the computer by watching week long marathons of "Faces of Death"
She gets miffed come Sunday and questions my motives for going to church.
And there was that one time that, while I was taking a shower, I opened the curtain to find her standing outside of the tub with a toaster that had found it's way from the kitchen, all the way to the bathroom, while still plugged in. Later she would come to admit that she had planned on making toast while talking a deuce and simply, "did not think the ramifications through."

Ever since then, I must admit that it has been a somewhat, odd relationship between us.

"The time is nigh. Come, venture to the side of darkness and pillage to your hearts content."