Tuesday, September 25, 2012

You Want My Vote?

I loathe the word politics.

I should begin by admitting to you that, when it comes to politics, I am not the proverbial “go to source” for information in the arena of political sciences. Anything that is said from here on out is completely my own opinion/observation, has been crafted for fun and should be taken as such. 

I would not classify myself as a staunch supporter of the Republican, Democratic or Independent parties and when it comes to my vote, you would likely have more success forecasting the weather than you would guessing who it is that I am voting for. In the past, I have voted for nominees across the board. The election of 1992 was the first election that I was able to register for and I voted for Bill Clinton (D). Yes, he banged an intern and no, it did not bother me. I was young then and if I were in said position, I may have done the same thing. I would like to think that I would have picked a more attractive intern to invite into the o-o-o-o-oval office for a one on one but I digress. I did question his character after the scandal but when it was all said and done, he did what he was elected to do. Run the country and avoid sinking it like the Titanic, while assisting the world abroad when needed.  In 1996, I voted for Ross Perot (I). When R.P. ran, we were all worried about the economy and the little weasel had the credentials to fix it, or so it seemed. Combine that with his “take care of business” attitude and southern twang and BAM, hook, line and stinker. Some would say that I wasted my vote but to you, I say, it was my vote. It was my vote and I wasted it as I saw fit, so deal with it. As we all know, Bill Clinton ended up winning but I was not bothered by that, as he did a commendable job during his first term. In 2000 and 2004, I voted for G-Dub (R) by default, as I did not think that Gore or Kerry could run a day care, let alone an entire country. Even though I did place my vote, I did so questioning my decision for the next four years. At that point in my life, I felt that it was my obligation to the country to cast a vote, even if I did not like any of the candidates. That would change over the course of Dub’s second term, as I would come to question a good majority of what he was doing while in office and in turn, why I voted for him in the first place. In 2008, I did not register to vote and had no real will to do so. I blame it on the skyrocketing gas prices and a day long turtle head that was poking out on account of consuming some bad Taco Bell the evening prior to election day. Looking back, if a gun was put to my head, I would have voted for *McCain.

Fast forward four years. Barack Obama is once again pining for your vote, as is his opponent; Mitt Romney. And again, I find myself wondering which nominee will do the least amount of damage. It’s pretty pathetic really, when one looks around and comes to the conclusion that these are the best candidates for the job. Pretty much anyone else would get serious consideration from me, granted he/she could count to one hundred by ten and act somewhat human.

Barack Obama is engaging. He is well spoken and says what many people want to hear. I question his motives as well as his ability to DO what he says he’s WANTS TO DO, but whatever. I hear him talking a lot but I don’t see him doing a lot. I want to like him but, he smells of dirty rat.

Mitt Romney just oozes douche bag. Everything that I have heard him say seems rehearsed and arrogant. He holds himself on a very high pedestal while speaking to us, the little people, and it drives me bonkers. I find it difficult for me to watch him on T.V. for more than two minutes without wanting to gouge my own eyes out with a spork.

Thus far, I am undecided. Each candidate has his moments but they are far and few between. I'm thinking that I may throw my vote toward the Constitution Party candidate, Virgil Goode. (Yes, there is such a party and Virgil is an actual candidate.) Why, you ask? Well, duh. For no other reason than to truly, be able to say, "I told you so!" It's either that or another trip to Taco Bell will be in my near future.

*Old people make the most sense when speaking on issues because they hold more life experience over that of a younger person. I.M.H.O., experience always trumps savvy, always.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

If I Were President.....

In recognition of the upcoming Presidential election, I have decided to share with you, the little people, things that I would mandate into federal law in an attempt to bring our great nation back from it's current undoing, if  by chance, I actually cared enough to subject myself to a voting of my peers to become the next unsuccessful President to lie and cheat his/her way into a position of such power.

First, I would end a tradition of tyranny and rename the White House. It gives off a negative stigma of our nations past transgressions and would be well suited to be named something that would encompass our people as a whole and in turn, encourage Americans from all walks of life, to band together for the greater good. Although I have not decided exactly, which one I would choose, I have narrowed it down to three possibilities that would better suit my purposes as your new Supreme Commander.

A. The All Colors Hues Tints Shades & Tones House.
This would encompass every walk of life, from Christians, Atheists, Buddhists, Tom Cruise, Gays, Straights and Transvestites to Vampires, Sasquatches, Politicians, Zookeepers and Crackheads.*Note, I separated politicians and crackheads into groups not associated with one another, as most crackheads have enough common sense to NOT become politicians in the first place.
B. Liars Den
This one is self explanatory. 
C. Dave
In honor of the movie Dave, where the little guy ends up doing more good in his short time acting as the President than that of the actual President, who by the way, is like Bill Clinton on steroids.
*Note, I would vote for Bill Clinton over the current duo o' douche bags that are currently running and that would change some things. A fourth option or option D, would then be, THE Brothel.

 I would then top it off by having a two hundred foot tall unicorn with a rainbow coming out of it's ass added to the roof to drive this home.

Second, I would incorporate a national "Friday Fun day."
On said day, every staff member of Dave would fill a dump truck with one hundred dollar bills and drive to a predestined location, dumping it's contents on to the streets where onlookers could then, fill his/her pockets.
The way I see it is simple, really. If Obama can spend trillions, upon trillions of dollars on crap that does not work, I would be lauded as a national hero by simply putting money into the hands of people that need it.

Thirdly, I would do away with the death penalty as it is defined today, and replace it with that of my own.
In said law, evildoers would not be sentenced to death by lethal injection, gas chamber, firing squad, etc. Instead, they would be strapped to a chair and forced to watch Richard Simmons jazzercise to a continuous loop of Lady Ga Ga's greatest hits.
No man, in his right mind could endure such cruelty.

Fourthly, I would.....honestly, I have not thought it out this far yet. If I find it difficult to post something on my blog as I have lately, there is no way in hell I am going to last as a piece of crap president for four years. You are lucky, or not so lucky, that I have managed to post something readable two days in a row.

I'm Audi 5000, Gee.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Let's Shut This Biznitch Down

It has been a day short of two month's between posts and the (powers that be) heading up Blogger refuse to relieve me of the burden that this blog has pressed upon me. Maybe if I post something that resembles gibberish, they will conclude that I have indeed, lost my mind and take pity upon me. Or, maybe if I prove to them that I am a douche bag and possess no talent whatsoever, they will remove me for marring the ideal definition of good writing. 

I know that some of you have remained loyal out of pity, and that is okay. Some of you remained engaged only to see my inevitable "blow out" concerning the world around me, and that is okay too. 

Here are a few ideas that I have come up with in an attempt to make you leave me and this pathetic blog.....

Maybe you will leave if I admit to you, that I am.....

- More like Tim Tebow, and less like Stephan Hawking. 
- Writing this post while brashly listening to and singing songs performed by The Crash Test Dummies.
- A fan of the show, Antique Roadshow.

Still here?


- Against the airing of "The Bachelor" and "The Baccalaureate"
* My reasoning is simple. Any guy that signs up to be "The Bachelor" is not doing it because he is "looking for the one." He is doing it so he can tap multiple chicks per day and then watch as they fight like cats to prove that they are deserving of his affections. Every episode, he is then able to dismiss the clingy ones so he can continue to whore himself out in "publicly acceptable" format. While it sounds enticing, it is not for me. He will likely end up dying a single man. His marriage will fall apart because women may forgive here and there, but they never forget. Somewhere down the line, having slept with the other contestants will come back to haunt him. Word.

* This brings us to "The Baccalaureate." 
My mom would have doubts about any woman I brought home because I won a game show. 


What is going to take for you to leave?

"She said her visions were a bane in her life
She could not control them, they kept her up nights
I know what you're thinking, I haven't been drinking
She knew things that cut like a knife - and she said:

All the years that have come to pass
And all the years that shall be
I see here right before me."

Okay, you asked for it. In order for you to end this post, you have to LISTEN to the CRASH TEST DUMMIES. That will get er' done. Enjoy!!!!