Thursday, December 22, 2011

Five Things I Think. 12-22-11

Although I am presently in the midst of a blinding lack of motivation, I am pushing myself to post something. So, at the expense of my unwillingness, this is what I came up with, albeit, to your dismay.....

Thing One
 Unless you have lived under a big ass rock or are a tweeker, you have heard the news of Kim Ding Dong-Ils' passing a week or so ago. And, as fortunate as (that) was, I immediately began to ponder what this would mean to the rest of the world, going forward. 

Thing Two
The following are questions that I asked myself, pertaining to thing one.

a. Has he actually bit the dust, or has he decided to retire and relinquish control of the "dicktatership" to his monkey son, who I might add, is even more of a lunatic than his old man?
b. Is it possible that the plot of the video game Homefront, is a glimpse into our future? 

If so, I know where I will go, as my father (ex Ohio State Highway Patrol & Vietnam Vet) has acquired many o' guns throughout the years. Some of them, I imagine, are more suited to hunt "human sized" big game. 
You all are in invited, as we would not lack in "big effing guns" but, people to shoot said "big effing guns."

c. Can you say, sequel?

Thing Three
Is pork really other white meat? Or, has it been surpassed by the chicken-like substance found in the McDonald's Southern Chicken sandwich?

Thing Four
Thank you Yahoo, for enlightening me. I do not know what I would have done, had I not known about the lady that swallowed a pen 25 YEARS AGO, had it removed and upon doing so found that, the pen was still functional. 
Now, I can write my memoir with confidence, knowing that my BIC will work, even after having taken heavy fire during the impending invasion of the U.S. by the North Koreans.

Thing Five 
Merry Christmas all. I appreciate the support, comment, love, hate mail and ardent support for me to do my thing, while remaining true to the pessimistic code. I will likely not post again until after Christmas, but I am already working on it, and it should be a good one, as I plan to look back on the year that was 2011. Hobbit style.

God Bless.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Deja Vu = Thank You.

This worked out perfect. I woke up this morning wanting to post but having no post material readily available. So, I did as any good blogger would do. I put my five year old, atop my shoulders and looked for a contest that required the contestant to supply a past post, and I do love to recycle. PERFECT.

So, let me get through all of the proprietary bull jive that comes standard when entering such a fray.

First stop, one Mr. Alex J. Cavanaugh. The aforementioned is a writer, and a published writer at that. He hobnobs with fellow 'published writers' to help put the words out there that wouldn't get much "pub" otherwise and is always in the know, when it concerns contests and being really cool. SCORE.

So, today is "The Day of the Do-Over." Let it begin, LET IT BEGIN !

I am here. I think.

I have decided to force it upon thy self to post, no matter the cost, so consider this a disclaimer. This post could very well, blow and collateral damage is expected. In order to separate myself from the current funk that is hampering my ability to write, I figured that I would interview myself. Yes, you read that correctly. I am going to sit down with my Hyde side and add more confusion to the riddles that abound. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring to you, my alter ego and douche extraordinaire, Etan Wicknerd.

Me Good morning, dear readers. Today, it is to my dismay, that I sit in the same body as our guest, Etan Wicknerd. Good morning Etan.
Etan - "Shut Up!"
Me - Wonderful. How have things been, since the diagnosis?
Etan - "What the hell are you talking about? Shut up!"
Me - Now Etan, in order for this interview to play to it's end, I'll need you to settle.........
Etan - "Enough. Start spewing questions, you chubby turd."
Me - Indeed. Let's begin.
Etan - "Shut Up!"
Me - (Breathing in to begin asking a question.)
Etan - "That is a dumb question, but one that I will address."
Me - I haven't ask......
Etan - "Carbon Fiber, is a fine, natural way to soften ones stool."
(queue, crickets chirping.)
Me - .....
Etan - "....."
Me - .....
Etan - "What?"
Me - Riiiigggght. Moving on.
Etan - "Move on then, Turd boy."
Me - How, would you say, that President Obama has done, as we look forward to the next election?
Etan - "I cannot complain, but I will because I can. IMO, he should be probed by aliens. We know already, that he is not human. In my studies, I have seen this type of sub human species. They are conceived when unicorn sperm comes in contact with a human egg. A sub species, if you will, that I have aptly named, Unicuman."
Me - errr.....
Etan - "Although very rare, there are several Unicuman's of note. Brittany Spears, Kanye West, Elton John and Tony Blair a few that come to mind."
Me - but.....
Etan - "But What? You asked me the question."
Me - no, actu.....
Etan - "Next question."
Me - Moving on then. 
Etan - "Yeah, lets move on, then. Let's move on to something that I find, rather frightening. Rosanne Barr. What a....."
Me - (raising voice) Mr. Wicknerd, she has no place in this "interview." Besides, she is no longer in the public eye and in turn, is not considered a threat to the youth around the world. 
Etan - "Yeah, but....."
Me - No Buts, you opinionated tool.....
Etan - "HEY, You asked ME to be here for this "interview." If you are unhappy with the answers that I provide for the recycled questions that YOU ask, then I will be happy to leave. Just cut me an effing check to cover my appearance fee, and I will be on my happy way, moron."
Me - Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is all of the time that has been allotted to this arrogant prick, so until the next time we chat, thank you for joining us and, be sure to pay your cable bill. Good Night.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Today is a special day, as it marks the beginning of life as I now know it. See, five years ago, I was settling in at work, preparing for my day and tidying up loose ends from the day previous when my boss swung around the corner of my work station and uttered those dreaded words, "hey Nate, ya gotta minute?"
What did I do this time? Who did I anger? Stevie Wonder? Ed Kowalczyk? Yanni? Did the owner of the company, who I might add, resembled Hitler, find out that I referred to him as Hitler, and his lackeys as Gestapo?
None of the above. Here is how I remember the "meeting" and how it unfolded.
Boss: Hey Nate, shut the door if you could, please.
Me: Uh, o.k. So, what's up?
Boss: Well, looks like something has come up.
Me: And?
Boss: A little earlier this morning, I gave the other guys your workload, as something tells me that you are going to be busy.
Me: And?
Boss: So, everything is taken care of, why don't you take a few days off.
Me: Why? Who's complaining now? Was it Yanni? Cause if it was, tell him kiss my......
Boss: NATE. Settle, Beth called. She is going to have an emergency C-Section and I have been asked to allow you a few days off. Nate, you are going to be a dad.
Me: Yeah.
Boss: .....
Me: .....
Boss: Well?
Me: .....
Boss: I suggest you get a move on.
Me: .....
Boss: I'll drop by the hospital later. OK?
Me: .....
Me: .....
Boss: Go!

I stood up, walked out of his office and went straight to my car. Still in a daze and cursing Yanni, I got to the dub but forgot my keys inside the building. Luckily for me, boss man was a pro and met me as I turned around to walk back in.
 Now, I knew for seven month's that this day was coming, and I was looking forward to it, but (now, it was actually happening.) and all I could muster was a few .....
The following five years have been a.....

Happy Birthday Stinky Pete. Daddy loves you.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Dear Santa.

What I want for Christmas? 
Insecure Writers Support Group Edition

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you remember me, as it has been a while since I last wrote you. And it should be mentioned, as it has nothing to do with the fact that you don't exist or because you never came through on that whole, Super Nintendo thing. I have just been growing up and what not. But, as life has come between our friendship, I write this in an attempt to allow us a chance to reconcile our differences and let bygones be bygones.

See, during this whole "getting all growed up" phase, I have decided that life was easier when I believed in such tomfoolery and would rather live a clueless and naive life, just like the good old days. All of your empty promises, missed chances and cookie thievery are but mere bean's, when compared to bills, responsibilities and knowing that trips to the butt doctor are just around the corner. (No pun intended)

So, fat boy, whattya say?
Hollaback yo!


P.S. I'll just take a check instead of all of that crap you are about to give me.
P.S.S. A 40" Samsung LCD TV would be pretty awesome.
P.S.S.S. Give the Mrs. my "regards." Knowwhatimsayin''

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Five Things I Think. 12-08-11

Thing One - The nightmare continues and I have come to the conclusion that B.A.C. and it's employee's are indeed, the devil and his army of darkness.
When In Doubt, Make Fun Of Stuff.

Thing Two - Anyone think that Facebook/Twitter are ridiculous? I admit, I was rather smitten with Facebook for a while. I was hell bent on growing my number of friends, so much so, that I befriended people that I didn't care much for/didn't care much for me in high school. I updated my status every few days. I joined groups like "I enjoy yelling at inanimate objects?" and "I'm addicted to Starbucks." I never "poked" anyone, thank the Lord, but I was poked. (Whatever the hell that means.) Initially, it was a cool idea, but as it became more popular, it became more intrusive and annoying. They started requiring personal information, changing the format, etc., so at that point, I raised my hands in the air and gave up. I rarely log on now a days and will likely wipe my account of the books.
I had a brief run in with Twitter, only because I wanted to follow a blog, and the only way to do so was through said service, but I only visited once and decided that I was not going to allow myself to tweet or be tweeted, as I found the thought of either to be (somewhat) uncomfortable.

Thing Three
November, echo, echo, delta.
Sierra, Oscar, mike, echo.
Charlie, Oscar, foxtrot, foxtrot, echo, echo.

Thing Four - The world is coming to an end and we all have front row seats.
RYAN SEACREST IS REPLACING MATT LAUER ON THE TODAY SHOW. I do not know much about the show, but I do know that Seacrest is a turd and I still get baffled when I hear of him being offered "popular" positions on prominent programs. He reminds me of Nick Lachey. Both are equally annoying and I have no idea where they came from, but I cannot stomach viewing (anything) that either of the two host.

Thing Five - To my loyal and lovable friends, here in blogger land, I want to say thank you for being tolerant of my verbal spewing's, pessimistic views, topical rambling's and beating the media horse to it's death. You truly are my enablers and I am grateful to have crossed paths with you. (I was going to to say 'crossed swords with you.', but that would have been just, too plain creepy and awkward for the dudes that tune in.)