Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Five Things I Think, 11-29-11

Brought to you by.....

Thing One
Most people are lacking (somewhat) in the intelligence department, myself included. But, my idiocracy will only go so far before I realize that I have exceeded normalcy and became "that" guy. But there are those who do not have said ability to decipher the thin line between right and being a dope.
Example: Heath & Deborah Campbell
Yes, tis' true. These humps are back in court trying to regain custody of Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation and Honnszlynn Hinler. But do not confuse the names with the notorious serial murderers from years past, as they are all simmering nicely down yonder. No, these are the unfortunate children that were born into a world that will likely and unfairly hate them because of their idiot parents' penchant for naming them after evil people, and not of their own doing. (It is likely that having been raised by a couple o' pole smokers, they will be pole smokers also, as the proverbial apple, does not fall far from the proverbial tree.) But, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe.

Thing Two
The law, as it stands today, is dumber than the people that break it. Case in point: Ohio teenager charged in alleged "Craigslist Case" faces juvenile court charges of attempted murder, complicity to attempted murder, aggravated murder and complicity to aggravated murder.

It is no wonder why defense lawyers find loopholes.

Thing Three
Good citizens of N. Korea, you no longer need fear facing a firing squad, if caught using a cell phone.
That's right people. Kim Ding Dong-il has lifted the law and now, North Koreans are going mobile. Four years ago, anyone caught with a cell phone was thrown in prison, while the less fortunate were executed.
Way to go people of N.K. You have just signed off on yet, another way for your communistic and power mongering government to keep tabs on you. What the people of  N. Korpurgatory don't know, is that while phones were being assembled, Kim had them all outfitted with I.E.D's, or Inner ear Explosive Devices. One negative comment directed at their quack leader and, BOOM. Off with the insurgence's dome piece.

Thing Four
Mr. B.M.V.,

Is it possible for you to update and/or completely scrap and redraft some of the laws concerning the criteria needed for "humans" to operate motor vehicles? Just a thunk. For example:

1. The Vertically Challenged. Using the same philosophy behind roller-coaster rides, you must be ___ feet ___ inches tall to obtain a licence. It is fairly frustrating to get stuck behind some dope going 45 on the freeway. And, when you pull up next to them to flip them the stink finger, you have to double take because at first glance, you are unsure if anyone is actually driving the car. For an instant, you freak, thinking to yourself that "David Hasselhoff is really cool, and  Kitt, really does exist." It is only after looking for a second time that you see the vertically challenged person peering over the dashboard at the traffic in front of his/her car. It is then, and only then, that you realize that Dave is still a turd and Kitt was nothing more than a white trash ghetto sled.

2. The Corner Cutter. You know. The guy who, in an attempt to not get caught at one of those pesky traffic lights, cuts through the BP parking lot, endangering gas getter's and for what? To hack 15 seconds off of their daily commute? Something need be done to stop this tomfoolery. Maybe a toll booth.

3. The Tapper. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. The person that burns out brake lights every week because they drive with one foot on the brake. They tap the brake when a bug hits their windshield and engage the e. brake when one of nature's little speed bumps runs out into the middle of the road.

and last, but not least.
4. The Oblivious Beemer Person. This type gleams the cube when edging the pool of  douchebaggery. He/she is oblivious to the going on's around their M5 and it is likely because they are A. blabbing on their cell phone. You can usually tell because they have floppy heads and they repeatedly weave in and out of their lane, or B. obtained their drivers licence in a third world country.

And, as a matter of fact. I had a run in with type four yesterday and because of his actions, I have decided that when I am pimping the dub, kindness gets kicked to the curb and all moving objects become possible projectiles of death, and need be avoided at all cost.

Thing Five
My brain hurts. If anyone of you is into praying, say one for me, as the poop is hitting the wind creating thing.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

An Important Service Announcement.

We find ourselves standing upon the precipice, yet again, of another Black Friday. And as assuredly as there is a sun in the sky, there will also be news of a Black Friday trampling death or a gun related fatality born by an argument concerning ownership of the last copy of a signed collector's edition, Justin Bieber album. You know as well as I, that that poor troll is out there somewhere. He/she will get trampled under foot of an angry, deal hungry mob or get their card pulled by a Bieber loving banger, busting caps in a fit of rage.
If, by chance, you choose to brave the throng of serial shoppers, take heed and arm thy self by placing a .50 cal in the trunk of your car.

This has been a public service announcement. We will now return to your regularly scheduled, mind numbing static.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Five Things I'm Thankful For, 11-23-11

1. The reason for the season. Thanksgiving isn't about the turkey and dressing, although I do dig both, and my physicals would attest, but, it's so much more to me. The pilgrims started this holiday to give thanks to God for safe travel to the new world and although I am not crossing the pond to an unknown future, I am thankful to God that I have a healthy and bubbling four year old, a wonderful wife and family/friends that have been there through thick and thin. But ultimately, all thanks should be given to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, because He died at Calvary so we would be made pure in God's eyes. Lately, I have been thankful for Him, as I am not feeling very good about me.

2. Friends. I have a few, and I will be the first to admit that befriending me is no easy task. I am a touch off kilter and at times, my obsessive nature does rear it's unattractive head and does so with a vengeance. So, thanks BJ, Jeff & Lynn, Fro' & C Bowl, Sparky, Flav & Ang, Beeler, Greg & Gee, Milldawg & Jill and Sackboy. 

3. Blogger Buddies. I have a few of those also. Thanks for pushing me to be me, and in doing so, not bugging out when I take an extended break, make no sense, complain, etc. It's a testament to you, as you have stuck around to travel deep into this rabbit hole with reckless abandon. (Mynx, Jenny, Jenny, Stacey, Randy, Haven, just to name a few.)

4. Yahoo. If it was not for your reporting on the most ridiculous of stories, I would have very little to make fun of. I must admit though, that most of the time, I get nauseated if I spend too much time looking through your stupid stories, as you and yours are chalk full of meaningless crap.

5. Volkswagen. Thank you for making quality vehicles. I <3 you so. I would ask that you send me an advanced release of the R, that will be going on sale in 2012.....free of charge.....and free gas for a year. Being the loyal customer that I am, it is the least you could do to reward me for my staunch support of your product.

All I Want For Christmas is.....

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Humor Me.

I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with a few of my lovely followers, as they seem to get (somewhat) excited when I mention exposing, tattooing or shaking any part of my body that would otherwise remain covered. I mean, it startles my wife if I flash my man suit without a shielding for my building, so I have become somewhat used to awkward glances, people scampering away while covering their children's eyes and the law showing up at my stoop, requesting that I (not) flaunt my God given pieces/parts. ANYWHERE.

Don't get me wrong, I love you all so, but there isn't much sexy "round" this way, dig?

Yesterday was my last day of employment at the Deathstar. My boss asked me to come in to meet with "the Bob" for an exit interview (or as I deem it, a 'give me your fob and company I.D. so I can plant my foot firmly in your backside when kicking you out of the door for good.' meeting.) It was weird, even though I have known for a month or two that it was coming. It didn't dawn on me until I sat there with my ex boss and the company Gestapo that it was indeed, my last day. Put that whole, not having a job thing with the mortgage company blues and you have a perfect recipe for a mental Molotov cocktail. (Anxiety optional for those who really like getting a good bang for their buck.)

But, regardless of the aforementioned, albeit, impending doom, I will stay the course and overcome. If nothing else, I can always fall back on my incredibly "phenom" like, writing prowess. (Wink, wink.)

So, if anybody has a job opening in the 'washed up engineer' field or 'unproven and self depreciating writer' field, pass my lame name on. I am also accepting donations, Wal-Mart gift cards and/or socks filled with quarters for beating myself over the head with.

Be well minions, be well.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hobbit - 1, Teachers - 0.

And to think that some of my high school teachers were (fairly) certain that I would end up being collared on C.O.P.S. for huffing glue and/or soliciting my "services" on a street corner to interested passers by. It was childish on their part and they had me pegged wrongly. For exception of "soliciting" thing, that is. Little did those chumps know that they were in the presence of such a creative mind. (Smirk) Not only, have I collected a decent pile o' minions (72 to be exact), here in blog land, I have even won some awards. The latest being a photo captioning contest.....

.....held by a firecracker with red hair named Gilz. Some of you may know her as A Daft Scots Lass.

Here is my wiener entry.

Confucius say, If you find yourself in a tough situation, stay calm and don't lose your head.
What A Crock !!

As part of the prize package, I received a set of iron on tats that look like this.....

Pics are coming. I can't decide on whether I am going to put it on my inner thigh, my forehead or the small of my back.

It should also be noted that the tat's are not "iron on's" as I had stated so smartly above, as that would suck. They are temporary tat's.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Five Things (More like Ten to Fifteen) I Think, 11-08-11

This edition of Five Things I Think is being brought to you  by Danger Boy.
1. WHO?
Justin Bieber? A father?? That is so gayngster.

2. WHAT?
An asteroid? The size of an aircraft carrier came close to hitting earth? How close?
201,700 miles close. That's like, really, really close, I guess.
Allow me to address a few questions that remain unanswered, if you will.
How to save our planet from a killer asteroid? 
You don't. The movie Armageddon, was not real, and even it was, do you really thing that you could find (ten) expert, deep well drillers that would fly to outer space, attempt to land on a rock travelling at somewheres around 29,000 mph, drill a hole and then drop a ((nuclear warhead)) into said hole? Hm, I'll take the under. And, even if said team did volunteer (Given the amount of overwhelmingly dumb people on this planet, maybe finding ten people would be easy.) for this one way trip, how good would YOU feel about their chances of success, as you sat here on earth?
Want to see the space rock? Look fast!
NO. That would cause all sorts of neck and spinal issues.
Could the asteroid destroy the moon?
No. We have Ben Affleck.
Why radar's the best for tracking near-Earth objects.
Well, I'd imagine that it beats putting a dude on top of Mount McKinley with a pair of binoculars.

3. WHEN?
Midnight. Today. Yesterday.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 was released at midnight. For those of you that are not in the know, CoD is a popular series of first person shooter video games for Playstation, xBox etc. People reportedly were seen playing the game at their place of employment, while eating lunch. Some employees used vacation days to host release parties. How awesome is that?

4. WHERE?  
Perched high atop a tall building, The Pope stands ready, waiting to pick off insurgents as they stumble through the war ravaged city.

5. WHY?
.....is this, even considered noteworthy? Seriously. Gay penguins? Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, Happy Feet, doesn't it?

6. HOW?
I can only hope that this little devil spawn ate dudes three dollar fee, as there is no other reason for IT to be THERE.....PERIOD. Checkisout.

And I cannot believe that I am saying this, but I hope that the little rat bastard grows up and seeks revenge on the mouth breather that keeps poking it with a night stick. He (obviously) has it coming. I do not run across scared, trapped and agitated vipers very often, but I have enough common sense to know that it should be taken care of by a qualified snake handler or a flipping ninja. Only those that have lightning fast reflex's should handle angry serpent death machines. Karma, as it is said, is a.....SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Going Retro.

Growing up, I can remember having a thing for a few girls in school, but also knowing full well, that they were way out of my league. Nah, those girls went after the loud and arrogant turds that made their presence known by being douches. Lads like myself were looked over most times because it was/is not in our nature to be THAT guy. So, as the "real" girls chased down the turds, I let them be and set my sights on the big fish.

Fast forward to, like, now.

Stacey from Nail Polish is a blogger buddy of mine that, a month or so ago, with the help of her B.B.F. and another blogger buddy of mine, Jenny from Serendipity's Library, posted a list of their "Top 10 Hottest TV Show Guys."
This in itself, is understandable, as both are females and both like dudes, but what really tripped my trigger was their complete omission of me on said list. 

Now, I know that time has not been the kindest when it comes to my pieces parts, as displayed in the picture below, but come on.
What's Wrong With Me?
My face has not been able to tan as well as my pecs. The doctor told me that this is to be expected as a side effect of having undergone a second head transplant. 

After some time, and a hefty amount of schmoozing Stacey realized the error and kindly asked that I co post with her, highlighting "TVs 10 Hottest Chicks." So, I did.

And that, is what brought us to today. Upon completion of above post, Stacey thought up another good co post for the two of us to partake in. Top 10 Retro TV Chicks, and they are as follows:

Ladies first, 
And yes, these are Stacey's five. Not mine.
Farrah Fawcett - Charlie's Angels
Is there anyone ever on the planet who didn't fight to the death to be with her or to be her? I know I did. She caused more chick fights on the playground than I think anyone now could ever boast. Hot, hot HOT and always in on the criminal hunting action! Plus, whoelse's bootay would look so hot in bell bottoms? Just sayin'. Is there ever a doubt?

Barbara Eden - I Dream of Jeannie
Genie, I have a list of things I think I need blinked into reality. :) 
I don't want either of us to have to lift a finger if we don't have to.
Well, damn it, who doesn't want a Genie in a Bottle? I DO!!!!... and especially if she plays the whole 'honey, I'm a sex kitten' role and she's HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to go beach combing this weekend. I need my bottle.

My next answer is an eternal question.Apparently.
 Because that's what it says when you google it.

Ginger or Mary Ann - Gilligan's Island
And that means it is real life. I love Ginger because of the glamour. It seems so few people really get glamour lately. She got it. On the other hand, there's Mary Ann. Initially.....not my type, BUT.....put her in that top with the little tie under the chest line and cute little shorts and pigtails.....my my MY! What do you think???
The Hobbit Likes Pigtails. I <3 them, so very much.

Catherine Bach - The Dukes of Hazzard
'Nuff said. Really.

Suzanne Sommers - Three's Company
Warm, fresh, bubbly.
Kinda like hot fresh now. Sweet with cute hairdos.
We're not mentioning the thigh master right now.


Danica Mckellar
Winnie Cooper - The Wonder Years
Thenish | Nowish
Fred Savage. Oh, how I wanted to be him back then. Now, I want to punch him in the neck.

Tracy Gold
Carol Seaver - Growing Pains
Nowish | Thenish
Not A-typical crush material, but I was never one to follow the cool kids. I liked her snippiness.

Alyssa Milano
Sam Micelli - Who's The Boss?
Thenish | Nowish
Some things never change. It was there during the Who's The Boss? and Commando years, and it still burns strong today. She has aged well, agree?

Justine Bateman
Mallory Keaton - Family Ties
Thenish | Nowish
At the time, she was a tad older than I, which made her even cuter.

Staci Keenan
Nicole Bradford - My Two Dads
Thenish | Nowish
I didn't care much for the show, but Nicole was (oh so dreamy.)

So kids, there you have it. The Top 10 Hottest Retro Chicks. Be sure to befriend Stacey (and Jenny) as soon as possible and check out the previous posts. 

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Stinky Pete's Muse.

It's Halloween, and although I am not (all that into it), I do enjoy watching my little lady run around in costume. This year, she is Jesse from Toy Story fame.

"I Want A Gummy Bear, THIS BIG!"

The Leaning Sidewalk of Pisa.
What a dork. There is no doubt that she was born of my seed, as she is just as whacked out as her pa. But, in a cute and cuddly, do not have committed sort of way.