Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fight The Power.

Okay, job work complete? Check.
Ohio State defeated Wisconsin? Check.
BLT consumed rather ravenously? Check.
Fantasy Football roster fine tuned? Che.....what the.....?

Stuff That Pisses Me Off


Some parents just DO NOT GET IT.
Just when you think that you have seen or heard it all, another ignorant jerk-off goes out and commits some un-explainable crime or some douche-canoe commits an act of idiocy, so ridiculously asinine, that it leaves you feeling pretty damn good about how your parents raised you. And no, I am not talking about Lady Gaga wearing dresses made of sustenance. (Dress made of meat and soon to be plastered all over the news, a dress made of lettuce.) Yeah, they may have messed up here and there, but seemed able to avoid that one BIG mistake that puts their picture on tabloids. I mean, I Have. Just ask my daughter. She has no truck with telling the world that daddy does dumb stuff. But, when you do something that garners the attention of Child Services and prompts them to remove your children from your home, it is very likely that you are doing it wrong. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Before the birth of my daughter, the wife and I had whittled down the list of possible names down to about three or four. Names like Isabella, Belle and Nico, just to name a few. Yeah, not very common, but normal for all intensive purposes. Never once, did I EVER utter attention getter's like Irma Grese or Gabby Gestapo. But apparently, the Campbells' train of thought is a tad off kilter. The couple, that resides in Jersey, felt it necessary to name their children Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler (Which, by the way that I understand it, is the "female version" of Heinrich Himmler, who by the way, commanded the Nazi SS and was considered by some to be Hitlers right hand man.) Story Link

(The couple, who have been diagnosed as having multiple physical, as well as mental issues (no shit) insists that they are not racist, punk ass white bread crackers that know Mien Kampf by heart. They just wanted to give their children names that no other child would have.)

Well, I guess they suck-ceded there, but they ruined the lives of the three children in doing so.

I dedicate the following song to these idiots.








Friday, October 28, 2011

A Beautiful Mind?

1. I am not sure if N.....E.....ONE classifies this as "surprising," but the Kardashian/Humphries marriage is one of little bliss, ALREADY. It seems that it has been an unhappy nine hours of marriage, thus far. The following is not an exact quote, but rather, a version of it that I conjured up. 
\\ It's like, hard & stuff, because the we want, like, privacy & stuff, like, like normal new newlyweds get. //
I apologize for any emotional distress that this little bit of fact may
I imagine that the media, simply and wrongfully assumed, that you were cool with a camera installed in your master bedroom. And on your tour bus. Hotel lobby. Hotel room. Hallway to hotel room. Elevator that leads (to) the hallway, that leads to your hotel room. etc. etc. It was all an unfortunate misunderstanding.
Maybe, you should move to the moon. I doubt that there are many reporters that have the monetary means to fly there. Gas prices suck. I can't imagine how much a gallon of rocket fuel would set us normals back.




2. I hate big business. My soon-to-be ex employer. The asinine company that I send mortgage payments to and the company that charges $5 for a cup of Joe. And, to add to my angst, yahoo says that the one percenters are even more loaded than before. The rich get richer and the poor live in Indiana, I suppose. Or maybe, the fat cats eat the poor, and in turn, look like the chubbster to the right.










3. This, could be your child on fame.

Tool

4. Tired. Always tired. I do believe that I need to get more sleep. It is difficult for me to go to bed, but minutes after I lay down, I'm out. It's' the "going to bed" part that I have so much trouble with. I've asked my lady to hit me over the head with a tire iron upon arriving home after work, but she is just not all that into the idea of beating me to sleep. In a way, THAT in itself, is reassuring, somewhat.

5. Kids. They change, even the elite.
At left, picture of Ms. Klum is "pre-child bearing" and exhibits the supermodels beauty. The picture on the right, however, documents the effect of what having four children does to your mental health and could be used as a deterrent for aspiring mothers to be, that want to birth (more) than two children. I dub it, the "mental condom" if you will, and it's sole purpose?: Controlling population overflow by using fear tactics.

Heidi, before bearing four children.
Heidi, after bearing four children.




















I must apologize for this bit of randomness, as it most likely makes no sense to you as to why I think about this stuff. If your looking for interesting thoughts by good people, visit Danger by clicking the word Danger.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

5 Things I Think, 10-20-11

This episode of 5 Things I Think, is brought to you by.....


Click Here.

"Where A Dose of Common Sense, Is Only A Mouse Click Away."



1. The picture above was taken shortly after an armed man walked into his ex wife's place of employment, a salon in Seal Beach, and opened fire on employees and patrons. In all, eight people lost their lives, including the suspects ex, and one person was wounded.

The question that I pose, is not so much the what, who, where, why and how of said happening, as that has no good answer. But why, as a society, do we flock to the scene of crap like this? Take for example, the mother on the left, that is spitting the (proverbial pooh) with a few fellow on lookers. Is knowing what happened, so important that you needed to drag your (tenish) year old daughter along with you? I guess that the yellow tape used to close the scene off and/or the forty or so law enforcement agents scurrying about was not enough to heighten your sense of caution. I see yellow tape and police, I am making a bee-line in the opposite direction. Especially if Sweetie Petey is with me. She will see enough of this junk. Why expose her to it so early? Just does not make sense.

2. Shouldn't Lady Gaga be on Tatooine, chained next to Jabba the Hutt or something?

3. Anybody miss Bill Clinton, as president? I think that he didn't do all that bad a job, if you take into account where we find ourselves today, as compared to twelve years ago. I am, by no means, a guru when it comes to political fodder, but it seems to me that his mistakes were not as epic as Dub's and/or Obama's.

4. Looking for employment is not gonna make the list of my top five, most favorite things to do. I dislike being trapped in a room with mouth breathing middle managers that ask questions about me, my future aspirations, etc.                                                                                                                                                              

5. Don't look now, but guess who is entering the search engine ring. Here's a hint.


 Still don't know, here is another hint...


Be well friends. Be well.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Daddy, What's A Wushi?

I am in a fowl mood.

Anyone sick of loud mouthed sports stars yet? I, for one, am.
Understatement O' The Year
“I've sustained a meniscus injury, shortly after that I sustained an ACL injury, so really just going through that and going through some personal issues, personal problems within myself,” Owens told ESPN.

"I think that they missed a spot, T.O. They were told to wrap  your entire head in duct tape."
"Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'." - Hank Hill

Terrell, there is not enough time left in this world for you, or anyone for that matter, to work through even (some) of your issues. Please, deflate and go away.

Below are news stories that were found on Yahoo.

Iran admits failure with space monkey launch
- What happened to the monkey? TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FLIPPING MONKEY?

Drug smugglers get creative in Arizona
-  According to state officials, illegal drug runners no longer want to get caught. "It's not like the old days, when they marched in a single file line, with burlap sacks over their shoulders that were full of cocaine, singing the 7 Dwarfs Hi-Ho song."


on a somewhat related note,


Gulf Cartel's accountant found shot dead
- Officials speculate that Snow White ordered the hit, after intercepting suspicious "tweets" from the drug queens Twitter page.


U.S. informant helped foil Iran's plot

- So, yeah. Thanks a bunch. If anyone is interested in knowing, this is the guy that foiled your plot to assassinate the Saudi Arabian Ambassador to the U.S. Just throwing that out there, ya' know, cuz' it's news, and he did it, see, here is his picture.

Deer terrorizes visitors at urban park
- Police close to the investigation are speculating that the deer was only trying to mark it's territory, as it is common behavior for urban deer to do this, in an attempt to "claim dey hood as day own shiznit, word."

Sleek keyboard less keyboards hit shelves
- Customers duped into buying nothing more than air in a box.

Companies posted fewer job openings in August
- SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!
on a somewhat related note,
- Gulf Cartel is accepting resumes in an attempt to fill a vacant "accounting" position.
Possible candidates must have experience in money laundering, drug trafficking and whacking competitors.
One should also have working knowledge of infrastructural makeup practiced by the D.E.A. Travel is encouraged.
Health Insurance is not provided.


Greenpeace launches $33 million ship

- Ship is completely wind powered. Paid for with $33 million, crisp one dollar bills.




Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sorry Danger.

Yesterday, I posted Five Things I Think and forgot the most important part.

Five Thinks I Thing, 10-11-11
Brought to you by Dangerous Leanings


Word.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

5 Things I Think, 10-11-11

1. I (heart) coffee. I know. Ever since Starbucks began it's campaign for instituting a New World Order, everybody and their mother just "loves them some coffee." It's the best part of waking up, having Folgers or the cheaper, generic alternative in your cup. It is also a valid reason for one to tell that annoying chick at the front desk to keep her yap shut, at least until you have thrown back a cup or six. The alluring aroma of liquid goodness is like dangling a basketball sized chunk of crack in the face of a fiend is a welcomed friend, when I wake from my nightly slumber and open my eyes to another day in paradise.

2. It's official ladies and gentlemen, we are entering into, what can only be described as the earth's last days. The PROOF? In the pudding:
a. In an interview, Johnny Depp admits that, as an actor, he is over payed. (Uh, such an honest lad.)
b. It has been busted wide open. Even McDonald's Chicken Caesar Salad is bad for you. (Considering the amount of sodium in said salad, you might as well duct tape yourself to the front of a car and follow a salt truck with your mouth opened.)
c. Ricki Lake threatened to leave D.W.T.S. because she doesn't get it. She was quoted as spewing the following gem.

"I am going to have a breakdown. I just can't do it," Lake, 43, complained. "It's just very confusing for me. I am not getting it. I want to quit. Like, I totally want to quit -- and I am not a quitter."
d. The Detroit Lions are 5-0. On the flip side, the Buckeyes are 3-3. "Oh, the horror."
3. Sleep is underrated. I can say this now, with confidence, because I want more of it, and could get more of, but chose not to, for fear of losing "something."
4. Google and Yahoo may run more of your lives, than you think. Don't believe me? Click here. (If you have an extra nine minutes.)
5. As much stress, as it is for me to be a parent, it is worth it when my little girl says things like:
"Daddy, your my best boy." or,
"Daddy, I really like root beard floaties." or,
"Daddy, don't be scared, Jesus will protect you." or,
"Daddy, you have a big butt."
Let the good times roll, ya'll.


Thursday, October 06, 2011

Insecure Writers Support Group, 10-05-11



INSECURE

I loathe this word.
Latin in origin, it's first known use dates back to 1649. Merriam and Webster define it as such:

1: not confident or sure. 2: not adequately guarded or sustained. 3: not firmly fastened or fixed. 4a: not highly stable or well-adjusted. 4b: deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety.

There I am, in the green above.

I fear (more) than I care to admit to and when ever I find myself confronted with one of said fears, it often times leads to anxiety and blah, blah, blah.


My list of insecurities is long and distinguished but a few that come to mind are as follows:

Fatherhood - This is intensified by the simple fact that I am daddy to a daughter. If, by chance, my wife and I did (it) a different way, and we conceived a son, then I don't think that my insecurity would be as intense and/or apparent. But, as God would have it, that would not be the case. I know what goes on in the little minds of boys and to know that my daughter will be the subject of fodder for some little turds fantasy, scares the crap, right out of me. Having a boy would have allowed me to worry about the whereabouts of one wanger, but as it is, I have a world full of those little bastards to dealt with.

Physical Prowess - I know that it is commonplace for one to grow 'outward' a touch after marriage, but damn. I was never confused for being a Brad Pitt look-a-like and I have never had a body that looked to have been chiseled by an angel, but at a time long ago, I was considerably thinner and didn't need to suck in my gut to enable the buttoning of me pants. Now, I am just a chubby, insecure and overly anxious turd.

Writing - I would not equate failure, here in blog land, with that of an extinction level event, but I would rather not cyber rub another the wrong way. I tend to base my opinion of my writing somewhat, on the acceptance of accomplished writers. If anyone that I hold in high regard were to ask that I step away from the blogging business because they are becoming dumber for having read my stuff, I would do so. The last thing that I want is to further retard any one's, already questionable, impression of me. That would just break balls.

And, as it has become customary for me to do so, I will end in song, as I consider myself, a music snob.
enjoy.



Tuesday, October 04, 2011

5 Things I Think, 10-03-11

1. I think that I would not mind at all, if by chance, my mind would stop thinking for a day or two.
I can't even imagine, the amount of awesomeness that (not thinking for an entire day) would be.



2. Today, The Empire Struck Back, yet again. And no, I am not talking about the fictional "Empire" that killed and maimed the innocent in a galaxy, far, far away. I am talking about the (real life) empire that is my employer. There is not much difference between the two really. The Empire I work for kills and maims here, in the present galaxy/world that we live in.

3. Being Mr. Mom is hard. I need to learn how to be patient or something. My (almost five year old daughter) does some of the most dopey crap. I mean, she is just shy of five years old, so I am likely expecting too much from her, but why does she have to do the things she does?

"I am gonna drive my daddy straight into a wooden box, eventually."
WORD !!!

- Why does she feel the need to run around the house naked yelling, "daddy, look at my shaky butt." I am sure that my neighbors are under the impression that I am a sexual deviant that need be neutered in the worst of ways.
- Is it completely necessary for her to dispense half of a tube of toothpaste onto the bathroom floor? (Getting none on her toothbrush, mind you.)
- Are the marshmallows in Lucky Charms really so magically delicious that she can't find it in her heart, to eat some of the cereal parts?
- Is it necessary that I be subjected to sitting next to her, while she watches "Martha Speaks", even though I find the show disturbing and unbearable? Seriously. Any dog that eats alphabet soup and afterwards, begins holding conversations with it's owner, deserves to be Michael Vicked. (Just kidding, all of you tree hugging-animal lovers. I don't hurt animals, unless they are raccoon's, snake's or shark's. Then and only then, does it become every man for himself.)

"I love to run down drunks at 2 a.m."
Definition of dumb ass.

"Captain, I don't think I'm gonna make it."

4. If a kid gets pulled over while driving in a vehicle that is clearly marked "student driver", the instructor should be forced to ride on the hood of the car, all of the way back to the high school in which they had previously departed from. Can you say "FAIL" ?


5. I got an award from Vinny. Why? I do not know, but I do appreciate his gesture. I find it difficult to accept awards sometimes, especially when I do not think that I have done anything that is worthy of praise. Since this award is similar to one that I have already received and the acceptance requirements are identical, I will direct you here. I am humbled every time, a wonderfully talented writer gives me recognition, even if I don't feel that it is warranted.