Friday, December 31, 2010

2010, Good Riddence

So long 2010. I cannot say that I am sad to see you go away. You were difficult and I know that your not done yet. You may be taking a dirt nap, but, you have passed the torch to 2011, and I believe it will be just as much of an ass hat as you were, through the month of March anyway.

And to my new found friends here on Blogger. I pray that the new year brings you all good fortune. Be safe. Be well, drink a brew for me.

God Bless,

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Waffling Is My Speciality

So, this is attempt number three at completing a post for today. I am bound and determined to get something finished so please bare with me.

Draft Title, Take One - "!!!!! DANGER !!!!! DANGER !!!!!"
This was my original post idea and one that, in it's infancy, was meant to be nothing more than a humorous rebuttal of my own concerning one man's suggestion that Prime Minister of Russia, Vladimir Putin is the anti-Christ. I was then going to rant on how this is just all a bunch of tomfoolery created by some boob with a lot of time on his hands. But, in the midst of my brainstorming, I came across a few stories that changed my tune from a light hearted ramble, to a very serious pissing.

Draft Title, Take Two - "What A Bleeping Mess We Have Made"
Here are just a few reasons why my mood changed so quickly.
  • The conflict between North and South Korea and the North stating that they are prepared to engage in "the sacred war" or nuclear war as I understood it.
  • Russia warning the US to leave wording contained within the START treaty alone. It is said to have the enough votes to pass legislation. In short, it would cut down the two countries nuclear armament to a mere 1550 deployed warheads. (No more sleepless nights for me. It is no concern of mine now that the total number of deployed nuc's will be under 1560) (Not counting any missiles constructed elsewhere, like North/South Korea, China, Japan, Great Britain or Israel, just to name a few)
  • Or, I may just be making all this crap up. The world is actually in perfect harmony. Cats and dogs, Buckeyes and Wolverines, Democrats and Republicans all taking turns humping each others leg because we are so full of harmony.
Okay, a bit much, I know, and I'm sorry.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Today, Nana stopped in to watch Bear so my wife and I, (to my delight), could finish our Christmas shopping. So, as we waited for Nana to arrive, I did what any man would do before subjecting himself to consumerism hell. I packed up my kitchen knives, grabbed my wooden stakes, rubbed garlic over my entire body and said a prayer to the good Lord for protection while we were among the mutants that have infected our city.

First stop, Walmart. This Walmart is unlike any I have been to before. There is at least one representative for every nationality in the store at any given time. This does not concern me because I become a mute when fetching groceries or whatever and up until today, I had become very proficient using tunnel vision when in store. In and out, get what I need, get out as fast and furious as my stubbies would allow. But today, I became keenly aware of my surroundings. I noticed the man that was wearing an Oscar Meyer Wiener baseball cap, complete with little plastic wieners attached to springs on the top of the hat, so when said subject moved, even slightly, his wieners bounced and frolicked atop wiener man's head piece.

There was also the lady that looked as if she had been rolled in Guerrilla Glue and thrown into a dumpster chalk full of colored wrapping paper. Behind her, walked two young women, I am guessing they were 18 or so, with reindeer antlers strapped to their heads. And here I was, thinking this whole time that the "Patrons of Walmart" emails I receive on occasion were not actual patrons. They could not be. Who wakes up in the morning and thinks that an Oscar Meyer wiener hat is the hip thing to wear? I'm no fashion critic and Lord knows I am stuck back in the 90's grunge era but damn. If I had the gull, I would have taken a picture of this dude just in case someone questioned the accuracy of my eye witness account, but I could not sink that low so all I have is my word.

Thanks again to all of you that have popped in here. I am truly grateful and hope that I can keep yous all interested enough to come back every once in a while.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Passing the Gauntlet

So, in an attempt to validate the award that has been bestowed upon me by Dad at Unsound Reasoning, I believe I must admit to five of my guilty pleasures, and here they are, in particular order.

1. Womens Soccer
2. The Cascading Head of a well poured Guinness.

4. Pigtails

5. System Of A Down

3. Whacking Insurgents, Playstation 3 Style

And now, I need to pass this award onto 3 bloggers that I enjoy, and here they are.
Hed Above Water - I adore this young lady. She may be the most honest blogger that I have come across thus far. I am impressed with her ability to get back up when she gets knocked down.  So, Hed, here's to you and continued success.

bruceejohnson JADIP - If one would ask me to describe Bruce's blogging style in one word, I don't know if I could. If there was a gun to my head, and said gunmen demanded I described Bruce's blog with one word, I would have to go wit 
Drakes Doomsday Corner - Drake, is a dude that just gets it. Drake is a British pimp and and funny as hell.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

And, the wiener is...........

So. I can be very unmotivated at times. And, for a good number of things that I aspire to be, for example, a good father/husband, writer, Snoop Dogg & a millionaire, having an ample amount of motivation is of the utmost importance. I am able to concede that I am motivationally intolerant, but sometimes it only takes a swift, unexpected kick to the groin to instill mass amounts of motivation. I had such an event this morning.
As I stumbled through my morning checklist of honey do's,
coffee - check
bug juice - check
snacks - check
ladybug pillow pet - check
Curious George - check
happy daughter - check
sleeping wife - check
I always try to fit a little blog reading in before the kid goes crazy because of her morning sugar buzz. But this morning would be much different. As I logged onto Blogger, I noticed that everybody has been busy posting and commenting and I, shocker, fell behind and needed to catch up. Okay.
Jumble Mash - check (note to self - snow killer, heart eating coyotes)
Brucejohnson J.A.D.I.P. - check (not to self - Peter Pan dead, tragic)
Hed Above Water - check (note to self - Kickass)
Absolutely Narcissism - check (note to self - nipples)
My Life - check (note to self - becca is sick. feel sorry for her, you sap)
Unsound Reasoning - check (note to self - congrats to Mrs Hyde, becca and ib for...........................................after I came back too, I reviewed Dad's post to be certain. He included me in the same sentence that he spoke of Mrs Hyde (A Bitch Called Mom) and Becca (My Life). And now, I have to do something. Oh crap, I have to do something. But what? Motivation? Crap? I'm motivationally intolerant. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

And now, I sit here, lacking motivation, still. I am waiting for Dad to tell me what I am to do now and how I must share this honor. I AM JACK'S UNMOTIVATED WIENER.

While we are on the topic of wiener's, on Zemanta, one of the "Content Recommendations" that is of "related" content to this post is, and I kid you not,

Ballerina Survives 'Wiener-Gate'
This story is brought to us by our friends at A ballerina somewhere on the planet earth posed nude for Wiener Magazine (W.T.F.) and was fired by her ballerina-ing boss at the Vienna State Opera, only to be re-hired by the Vienna State Opera and that same boss. If you care, at all, you can follow this story on Twitter.

Again, thanks to Dad at Unsound Reasoning for bringing attention to this massacre. I won't let you down.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Brrrrrr. I Am The Center Of The Universe

It is freezing balls here in the Midwest. I walked outside this morning to move my car out of the driveway and could feel my lungs turning into crystal. I am usually not affected by temperature change, especially warm to cold but this air had bite. Currently, the temperature is 2 degrees/-8 with wind chill. I'll be staying in today.

Doesn't it make you feel all fuzzy and warm when, while reading a fellow bloggers post, you come across mention of your blog? This just happened a few nights ago while I was perusing J.A.D.I.P. Bruce is a cool dude that, if you have not already done so, click on the link and check out his blogs. Not only is he an active blogger, he also keeps up with all of blogs that he follows. I do believe that you will enjoy his bit of humor.

Yesterday was a shitty day. I started in on yet another "mental-woe-as-me" spat because of mass amounts of bills, personal stuff, four year old temper tantrums and just plain old boredom. And to make matters worse, my O.C.D. only feeds off of my misery to ensure that my brain crap grows springs and bounces around my brain until I am able to whack it. I know that God only gives us what we are able to stuff inside our little baskets of turmoil, but I just wish He didn't stretch the edges sometimes.

There is always a plethora of idiot holiday commuters that travel city to city like Carnies, just for Christmas shopping, And it is my firm belief that in between spring and the next winters first snow, a large majority of licences drivers forget snow is slick. I could not count the number of cars that were in a ditch on the side of the road. "People, Slow Down, Use Your Brain, if you can"

Speaking of Brains. Anyone like Zombies? It is my belief that there are reasons why certain foods and bad habits are pushed so hard in advertisements. It is because at some point not too far down the road,
 the years of smoking, drinking alcohol, eating McDonald's, Popeye's, White Castle and not being responsible for are own actions is going to end tragically for a good majority of our race. We are doing nothing more than embalming ourselves so that when the time comes, we will have already hardened our bodies and lost our minds. Obama will then make a deal with people that follow him. He will give all loyal subjects new Man Suits as compensation for their participation in a top secret project named, Zombie Squad. Since we have lost our minds, Obama promises that brains will be "plentiful" after the enemy is defeated.

The next morning you will wake up looking something like the guy in the picture to the right and Obama will have taken his true form, as illustrated in the picture to the left.

And to think that this could have all been stopped If I wasn't having such a shitty day. On a final note, I will off the pink fuzzy bunnies first because they are some tricky little bastards.

UPDATE: After my wife read this post, she said that it was confusing and "sporadic". And, after reading it again for myself, I wholeheartedly agree. I meant only to have fun and in no way purposely set out to confuse and/or scare anyone.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Like It Matters Now !!!!

I was checking my email last night and while I was sifting through the spam, a headline caught my eye. It seems that the state of Florida has pardoned the now deceased Jim Morrison of the Doors for questionable Indecent Exposure charges that were filed against him during a show in 1969. Now, forgive me if I am way off base, and I hardly think that I am, but does anyone reading this agree that it is a touch late to pardon Jim now? I mean, he passed away in a bath tub in 1971, and if my math is correct, that was 39 years ago. I am sure that Jim is extremely relieved, where ever he is now (albeit heaven, hell or somewhere in between). This makes me happy for only one reason and that being, I now have another reason to add to my ever growing list of why I hate the state of Florida. Some of you may be aware of my "opinion" for that wretched state but if you are new to my world, click the link above.

In memory of Jim, the following is my favorite written work of his that is showcased on the album American Prayer, which was completed after his death.

A Feast Of Friends, The Severed Garden

Wow, I'm sick of doubt. Live in the light of certain South, Cruel bindings.

The servants have the power. Dog-men & their mean women

Pulling poor blankets over our sailors
I'm sick of dour faces staring at me from the T.V. Tower

I want roses in My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies must now replace aborted strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal for the plant that's plowed

They are waiting to take us into The Severed Garden
Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful comes death on a stranger hour
Unannounced, unplanned for, like a scaring over-friendly guest you've brought to bed

Death makes angels of us all & gives us wings where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's claws

No more money, no more fancy dress, this other kingdom seems by far the best
Until its other jaw reveals incest & loose obedience to a vegetable law

I will not go
Prefer a feast of friends
To the Giant family

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Monday, December 06, 2010

Who Doesn't Want More Tabs?

A quick note to Habitual veterans and any newbies that may stumble into this massacre, I made up a separate page that I will be displaying my artsy fartsy side. There will be a little bit of everything on there. Enjoy!!!!!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

My Angel (Sappy Dad Story)

Yesterday, my little girl celebrated her fourth birthday. I still cannot believe that she is four. I guess my dad was right when he told me that the time will fly by, and boy has it ever. Four years ago (actually on 12-12), I sat with the doctor while nurses prepared my wife for the impending emergency C-Section. She was twenty eight weeks along but began to experience Preeclampsia. Doc asked how I was doing. I shrugged my shoulders and told him that "I didn't know." He let a small chuckle slip before he added "I know the feeling." Being a father himself, he knew what I was experiencing. My mind was racing.

Will I be a good father?
Will I make enough money?
Will she always feel safe?
What color will her eyes be?

Maybe, she will be extremely bright, and in turn, be offered scholarships. The questions and wanderings kept on rolling in. Is my wife okay? I can't imagine what she is feeling right now. The silence was broken when the doc's pager chimed. "Well, you ready for this?" As if it mattered. This baby was coming no matter what my answer may have been. It was at this moment that I felt completely at the mercy of God.

The next two hours of that night would be the fastest moving two hours of my life. A few minutes after doc's pager blew up, he slapped his knees, looked at me and said, "well, you ready to meet your daughter, dad?" I began to sob. I don't know if I cried because I was afraid or if I just could not hold my excitement in any longer. Looking back, I would venture to say that it was a little bit of both. Doc and I said a quick prayer and headed for the door.

Upon entering the surgery area, I scrubbed my arms and hands, put on a cap and shuffled to where my wife, lay waiting. She was as calm as I had ever seen her. Yes, she was feeling nothing because of the anesthesia, but it was more than that. It calmed my nerves and put me in the mindset that I needed to be in. I asked her how she was feeling. She, while chattering her teeth, said "we'll see". Doc looked at us with that, here we go look, the nurses readied instruments, themselves and in the matter of minutes, I heard a whimper, and then my baby girl was whisked away to the N.I.C.U. At this point, panic set in, do I follow the nurses that have my daughter? Or, do I stay with my wife? She noticed my confusion and said, "baby, go with our daughter.", and the daddy instinct took over. I started heading toward the station that she was taken too but I was told to wait for them while they set her up on vents and feeding tubes. "What? Are you kidding me?" (No pun intended) It was then that I was met by my mom-in-law. I don't remember most of the finite details of the next forty five minutes or so. I remember walking into the lobby. Everybody stood up at the same time, waiting for me to say something. All I could muster was, "she is so beautiful" and then came the flood. I was a dad. Oh shat, I'M A DAD !

The next hour or so, I was busy shuffling family members in and out until they all had met the newest member of our clan. I remember all of these moments. The looks on faces. The words spoken, or the lack thereof. But what I remember most was my dad. He is a big softy but you would never know it. The Vietnam Vet/Ex Ohio State Highway Patrolman was trained to stay hardened. But, when my nephews were born and on this night, he gave himself a pass. He stood in amazement, looking at the three pound, eleven ounce bundle in front of him. He was afraid to touch her fragile little body. I saw a tear. He gave me a hug, took one last look at his grand daughter, and walked away. I began to tear up again. I can only pray that I will be as good a father as he is.

After two weeks in the N.I.C.U., December 26th, 2006, we brought baby home and Pop Pop finally got his first cuddle.