Saturday, November 27, 2010

Bloody Savages.

This morning, my daughter and I were peeping a couple of cartoons when, during a commercial break, the local news chimed in to inform the herd that "traffic is extremely heavy in area's whereby malls and department stores are located. Officer blah, blah of the blah, blah, blah Police Department asked the good people of our fair city to use common sense when driving and slow down." And after that brilliant bit of advice, in which I am extremely thankful for, because I would have kept not using common sense while I weaved in and out of traffic and mowed down pedestrians in my haste to acquire the last (Tickle Me You Perv Elmo), the anchor continued on to show a clip of the scene at 2:00 a.m. in New York yesterday morning. Allow me a moment to describe the scene as I interpreted it's unfolding.

A typical Wal-Mart discount department store i...
The time, 1:58 a.m. Black Friday. The scene, WalMart Superstore.
As they held fast, consumers wanting to take advantage of the incredible savings on Black Friday readied themselves as the doorman hobbled down the aisle. Such a proud moment for him that is bestowed the key to unlock the door to mystical savings. Anticipation runs thick through the crowd. The people amongst the front row began to fight for position, knowing that a slip up here could cost them their life or more importantly, the opportunity to purchase a 48" LED TV at (out of this world savings).
Someone from the back row begins to trash talk, hoping to impose his will on the front rowers, in the same fashion as a safety in the NFL would, planting a seed of fear in any wide out that dare cross the middle. The anticipation begins to turn into panic. It's now or never. Damn it, that old fart is just now getting to the door. As the door begins to swing open, the madness begins. As the angry mob begins its onslaught, a lady with cane falls to the cold floor and is immediately engulfed by a wave of angry holiday shoppers. The scene is reminiscent of "The Running With The Bulls", as the weakest of the pack are flung to the side by the alpha-shoppers. You can see it in their eyes as they run past. Fear, falling from their bodies like burnt skin (Jim Morrison Reference) The lucky survivors from the front of the mob begin to distance themselves from the pack. They have survived the initial surge, but now that they have made it to the toy aisle, they must still find, purchase and exit the building alive before they can rest in victory, comfortably in their slumber. 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I Hate Florida.

How is everybody (if anybody) doing on this fine Sunday evening? I am writing this with a bitter look stuck to my face. Asshole face David Gerard of the Jag's decided to ruin my day by pulling another long strike out of his ars, defeating the Browns 24-20. If he was standing in front of me right now, I would punch him in the neck. Him and his little lacky, Mo Jo Drew. It just adds another reason to my expanding "Why I Hate The State of Florida" list. Some of you maybe wondering why I have a grudge the size of Texas against Florida. Here are only a few reasons.

Reason #1 University of Miami (Thug U)
1a. Ray Lewis
Underneath is an example of what the entrance application may look like for football recruits.


Requirements for entry into the University of Miami Football Program

1. Possible candidate must have at least (but not limited to) two gold teeth.
2. Basic writing, reading and verbal skills are preferred, but not required.
3  You must be able to run the forty yard dash in under 4.5 seconds.
4. Guns must be checked in before entering ANY training facilities. 
5. It is the players responsibility to either A.) attend class B.) not attend class or C.) not attend class but say you have. (Establish Payoff Arrangement with Professor, so in return, you will have perfect attendance)
6. It is imperative that no one talk about wages earned while being part of the program. 

If you agree to the terms listed above, please sign in the space below.
(If you are unable to write your name, You may insert a dash (example "-")

Reason # 2 Florida State University
(See University of Miami For Explanation)

Reason # 3 Snakes
I'm not talking garter snakes or those little green tree snakes. I'm talking about the poisonous, "it is my intention to kill you" kind of snakes. Please read previous post entitled "Why Did It Have To Be Snakes"

Reason # 4 Alligators
Not only are they dangerous to your physical well being, but now, they are protected under a state law. If one happens to mow one down while driving down the interstate, the driver may be fined and/or imprisoned. 

Reason # 5 General Population
People that call Florida they're home are certifiable. They can't drive. Killing someone for no reason is common practice. They take pride in the Everglades and it's blood thirsty inhabitants. 
Snakes are common household pets that, in some cases, are released into the Glades when they become to large to for the owner to take care of. Now, there several species, not native to Florida that are overrunning the place and ruining the fragile ecosystem that presently exists.

That is only five reasons why I dislike Florida. I would go into some more of them but I am already worked up enough. I need a few minutes to clear my mind and refocus. I pray that this finds you well.

Later

Gotcha.


Thursday, November 04, 2010

The Morning Freak Show

"Go, go, go, go, on an adventure, in the the thinga-ma-jigger, were up & away!"


Could somebody put me out of my misery? Please? I have the theme song for The Cat In The Hat Knows a Lot About That, stuck in my head. Truth be told, I enjoy me some Dr. Suess and the time that my daughter and I spend together watching said show, but since yesterday, I have been unable to shake the  theme song from my memory. And unfortunately, it does not stop at The Cat.


"Flip the thing-a-ma-whizzer!"




Dinosaur Train, which is about a family of Pteranodons that jump aboard a train that can travel back into time via a time tunnel, in order to learn about the different species of dinosaur that populated the earth during the Mesozoic Era's three seperate time periods. (Triassic, Jurassic & Cretaceous) It is interesting fodder for a kid, I imagine, because dinosaurs are cool. And, to some extent, it is interesting for adults as well. I must admit that I am a little bit leery of Mrs Pteranodon. During the opening theme song, you find out that there are four eggs that hatch. The first three are Don, Tiny and Shiny, which are all pteranodons, naturally. The fourth egg, however, hatches out pops Buddy, who happens to be a tyrannosaurus. Nobody questions this. If I were Mr. Pteranodon, I'd be like, "Lucy, choo got sum splaining to do." But instead, they carry on like nothing is abnormal and proceed to the dinosaur train on a family vacation.


And then, there is Martha Speaks, which is about a dog that, and get this, eats vegetable soup and instead of the noodle letters being digested, they somehow travel to her brain, giving her the ability to speak. This, in my humble opinion, is just plain creepy and if my daughter did not enjoy watching it as much as she does, I would not have a problem skipping over it. But, as it turns out, my little girl has me wrapped around that teeny little thumb and she gets her way.





Finally, there is Curious George. Again, I don't mind this one either. George was a pal of mine back in the day. He is the same old George, only the George of today is HD. He is still curious, (duh) and when something happens that could get him into big trouble, he always "accidentally" finds a way to fix whatever it is that he broke. In most cities, the Man w/the Yellow Hat would get an ass whooping because it is not natural to own a monkey, and treat said monkey like a child. I am now more interested in Man, only because he seems to have, what I would deem a clear cut case of O.C.D. Don't believe me? Watch him. You will agree in my diagnosis. Besides, I can smell my own.