Thursday, September 13, 2012

If I Were President.....

In recognition of the upcoming Presidential election, I have decided to share with you, the little people, things that I would mandate into federal law in an attempt to bring our great nation back from it's current undoing, if  by chance, I actually cared enough to subject myself to a voting of my peers to become the next unsuccessful President to lie and cheat his/her way into a position of such power.

First, I would end a tradition of tyranny and rename the White House. It gives off a negative stigma of our nations past transgressions and would be well suited to be named something that would encompass our people as a whole and in turn, encourage Americans from all walks of life, to band together for the greater good. Although I have not decided exactly, which one I would choose, I have narrowed it down to three possibilities that would better suit my purposes as your new Supreme Commander.

A. The All Colors Hues Tints Shades & Tones House.
This would encompass every walk of life, from Christians, Atheists, Buddhists, Tom Cruise, Gays, Straights and Transvestites to Vampires, Sasquatches, Politicians, Zookeepers and Crackheads.*Note, I separated politicians and crackheads into groups not associated with one another, as most crackheads have enough common sense to NOT become politicians in the first place.
B. Liars Den
This one is self explanatory. 
C. Dave
In honor of the movie Dave, where the little guy ends up doing more good in his short time acting as the President than that of the actual President, who by the way, is like Bill Clinton on steroids.
*Note, I would vote for Bill Clinton over the current duo o' douche bags that are currently running and that would change some things. A fourth option or option D, would then be, THE Brothel.

 I would then top it off by having a two hundred foot tall unicorn with a rainbow coming out of it's ass added to the roof to drive this home.

Second, I would incorporate a national "Friday Fun day."
On said day, every staff member of Dave would fill a dump truck with one hundred dollar bills and drive to a predestined location, dumping it's contents on to the streets where onlookers could then, fill his/her pockets.
The way I see it is simple, really. If Obama can spend trillions, upon trillions of dollars on crap that does not work, I would be lauded as a national hero by simply putting money into the hands of people that need it.

Thirdly, I would do away with the death penalty as it is defined today, and replace it with that of my own.
In said law, evildoers would not be sentenced to death by lethal injection, gas chamber, firing squad, etc. Instead, they would be strapped to a chair and forced to watch Richard Simmons jazzercise to a continuous loop of Lady Ga Ga's greatest hits.
No man, in his right mind could endure such cruelty.

Fourthly, I would.....honestly, I have not thought it out this far yet. If I find it difficult to post something on my blog as I have lately, there is no way in hell I am going to last as a piece of crap president for four years. You are lucky, or not so lucky, that I have managed to post something readable two days in a row.

I'm Audi 5000, Gee.


Drake Sigar said...

Unicorns? I'm thinkin' skull fortress.

Pickleope said...

Wait a second, didn't you just quit blogging?
My fellow 'Mericans, my opponent would mislead you with promises of rainbow-shitting unicorns and sweating to the oldies torture. But how much can you trust a blogger who quit blogging!?!
I say, if you want consistency, and a bowl of weed for every grandmother whether or not she has glaucoma because it just makes Bingo night fun, then you will vote for Pickleope!
Do you want four more years of the same-old-same-old or do you want someone with the vision to have big gay Bear men in banana hammocks employed on every freeway dancing with glow sticks and handing out pornographic magazines to all commuters who want them whenever there is traffic? Because that is what I promise!
Under the Hobbit's fascist regime, you're promised a "Friday Fun Day." I promise EVERYDAY FUN DAY! Except for Wednesday which is National Nap Day. Every Wednesday you will be permitted two hours to nap.
I await your vote, 'Merica. Also, I'm not above bleaching an anus or two for a vote, keep that in mind.

ib said...

Touche, you liberal-ish Pickle.

Trust me people, you do not want to be ran by someone that hides behind the veil a vegetable, or a fruit, or whatever. Pickles don't even know what food group they belong to so heed my warning. Anything that will bleach an anus will eventually want to do it again and the human anus is just not made for that kind of traffic, dig.

Drake, you are still alive? This makes me happy beyond all of your wildest dreams. Wanna be my running mate?

ib said...

By the way Pickle, I would have to question why you would come to read a blog, owned by a blogger that isn't supposed to be blogging anymore. Just sayin'. That would raise just as many questions in regards to your own stability. That being said, don't go, really. I would be nothing without you.

Mynx said...

I knew you wouldnt leave me.
I think you would make a pretty good President. Couldn't do any worse than those other blokes from what I can see.

Drake, if you see this comment, why havent you been to visit me you adorable cookie monster you?