Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Five Things I Think, 11-29-11

Brought to you by.....




Thing One
Most people are lacking (somewhat) in the intelligence department, myself included. But, my idiocracy will only go so far before I realize that I have exceeded normalcy and became "that" guy. But there are those who do not have said ability to decipher the thin line between right and being a dope.
Example: Heath & Deborah Campbell
Yes, tis' true. These humps are back in court trying to regain custody of Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation and Honnszlynn Hinler. But do not confuse the names with the notorious serial murderers from years past, as they are all simmering nicely down yonder. No, these are the unfortunate children that were born into a world that will likely and unfairly hate them because of their idiot parents' penchant for naming them after evil people, and not of their own doing. (It is likely that having been raised by a couple o' pole smokers, they will be pole smokers also, as the proverbial apple, does not fall far from the proverbial tree.) But, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe.


Thing Two
The law, as it stands today, is dumber than the people that break it. Case in point: Ohio teenager charged in alleged "Craigslist Case" faces juvenile court charges of attempted murder, complicity to attempted murder, aggravated murder and complicity to aggravated murder.


WHAT????????
It is no wonder why defense lawyers find loopholes.


Thing Three
Good citizens of N. Korea, you no longer need fear facing a firing squad, if caught using a cell phone.
That's right people. Kim Ding Dong-il has lifted the law and now, North Koreans are going mobile. Four years ago, anyone caught with a cell phone was thrown in prison, while the less fortunate were executed.
Way to go people of N.K. You have just signed off on yet, another way for your communistic and power mongering government to keep tabs on you. What the people of  N. Korpurgatory don't know, is that while phones were being assembled, Kim had them all outfitted with I.E.D's, or Inner ear Explosive Devices. One negative comment directed at their quack leader and, BOOM. Off with the insurgence's dome piece.


Thing Four
Mr. B.M.V.,

Is it possible for you to update and/or completely scrap and redraft some of the laws concerning the criteria needed for "humans" to operate motor vehicles? Just a thunk. For example:

1. The Vertically Challenged. Using the same philosophy behind roller-coaster rides, you must be ___ feet ___ inches tall to obtain a licence. It is fairly frustrating to get stuck behind some dope going 45 on the freeway. And, when you pull up next to them to flip them the stink finger, you have to double take because at first glance, you are unsure if anyone is actually driving the car. For an instant, you freak, thinking to yourself that "David Hasselhoff is really cool, and  Kitt, really does exist." It is only after looking for a second time that you see the vertically challenged person peering over the dashboard at the traffic in front of his/her car. It is then, and only then, that you realize that Dave is still a turd and Kitt was nothing more than a white trash ghetto sled.

2. The Corner Cutter. You know. The guy who, in an attempt to not get caught at one of those pesky traffic lights, cuts through the BP parking lot, endangering gas getter's and for what? To hack 15 seconds off of their daily commute? Something need be done to stop this tomfoolery. Maybe a toll booth.

3. The Tapper. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. The person that burns out brake lights every week because they drive with one foot on the brake. They tap the brake when a bug hits their windshield and engage the e. brake when one of nature's little speed bumps runs out into the middle of the road.

and last, but not least.
4. The Oblivious Beemer Person. This type gleams the cube when edging the pool of  douchebaggery. He/she is oblivious to the going on's around their M5 and it is likely because they are A. blabbing on their cell phone. You can usually tell because they have floppy heads and they repeatedly weave in and out of their lane, or B. obtained their drivers licence in a third world country.

And, as a matter of fact. I had a run in with type four yesterday and because of his actions, I have decided that when I am pimping the dub, kindness gets kicked to the curb and all moving objects become possible projectiles of death, and need be avoided at all cost.


Thing Five
My brain hurts. If anyone of you is into praying, say one for me, as the poop is hitting the wind creating thing.



4 comments:

Al Penwasser said...

Better stop them before they name their next baby Genghis Campbell.

ib said...

Al, agreed. There are so many sociopath's out there for the Cannibals to name children after.

stacey said...

LMAO, except about your brain hurting. Sorry about that.
I had a corner cutter almost run me off the road yesterday. Seriously, WTF? Not only did they cut the corner but they did it through my lane as I was driving.... must've had my invisibility cloaking device engaged again.
And so now I am left wondering if anyone would consider my car a white trash ghetto sled.....
ahahaha.... I loved that! :)

Jennifer said...

So very very funny! I say this not because you are my only minion who refers to me as Jenny but because it is actually funny! The Tappers are the ones who make me late for work every morning those idiots should have their licenses revoked. Sorry your brain hurts.