Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movie Blogfest (Insecure Bloggers Support Group)




Bad movies. There are so many to choose from, it's hard to name just one. I mean, there was,


The Blair Witch Project
A movie that was juiced to the nth degree, only to crash and burn, Hindenburg style. For month's before it's release, we were inundated with promising  trailers and praising chatter about how the movie was based on true events, and with some, going so far as saying that it was going to be the most startling movie, since The Shining. As it turned out, the most startling part of this movie, would be the three minute booger fest/flashlight scene, that will go down in movie lore, as being one of the funniest (scary) movie scenes ever. I've seen episodes of Scooby Doo that had me on the edge of my seat, more than this did. But, as is the case on many of occasion, the end product did not measure up to the hype. Sure, it made a ton of money and there are a couple of people out there that liked the movie. But, to those unfortunate souls, I say this, you can smother a turd in garlic and mozzarella and dub it a turd pizza, if you so choose, but at the end of the day, you still purchased, and consumed, a piece of crap.

Original Cover
Adapted Cover













8 Millimeter
Another dandy release that I added to the pile of turds.
Boy, I can pick em', can't I?
This movie was disturbing, to say the least. Just typing out the title makes me want to scrub my skin with a Brillo pad and rinse off in a turpentine shower. It was not a movie for me, but I digress. If you like creepy movies about underground porn with teenagers, I imagine that it will strike your fancy.
If that happens to be the case, I "kindly" ask that you to exit this blog. GET YOUR CREEPY ASS OFF OF MY HOBBITS BLOG AND TELL THE NEXT PERSON YOU SEE, THAT I WILL PAY THEM, TO BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU ARE PEEING BLOOD.
YOU FLIPPING SAVAGE.
This would be the first of only two movies that I have ever walked out on. The second being Wolf Creek, which makes this list, but would require an entirely separate post, for entirely different reasons.


As a side note, director Joel Schumacher even cut out a significant amount of the films original content so that it would qualify for an 'R' rating.


But, after having said all of that, there is one film that stands alone, atop my "Piece O' Crap" movie list, and it is entitled, 200 Cigarette's.



The star-studded cast was reason enough for one to assume that it would be a fairly decent show, but if that had been the case, we would not be here today, chatting about it. We will start with the players:

Ben Affleck
At the time that this movie debuted, it was not yet apparent that he was being carried by one Matt Damon and the success of Good Will Hunting.
Casey Affleck 
It was not yet apparent that he was born from, such a questionable acting lineage.
Courtney Love
It was apparent that she was an unbelievably untalented musician. It was unfortunately not known, how unbelievably mediocre of an actress she would become. Not that I am surprised. I have since, decided to forgo (anything) that she has been credited with. I have deemed her to be, an evil, soul sucking troll. A modern day Yoko Ono.
Paul Rudd
Yada, yada. Neither good, nor awful.
Jay Mohr & Dave Chappelle 
IMO, two of the funniest dudes around.
If I was in theyre shoes, I would ask that my name be removed from all things related to this crappy movie.
Kate Hudson & Christina Ricci
I must admit that I do not know much about these two, and to critique their work here would be unfair, but I can say, with confidence, that they are easy on the eyes.
Janeane Garofalo
I don't mind her for a short bit here and there, but I begin to envy her pessimism and start wishing that I too, could get paid to make people feel miserable and mundane.

The "plot" is a simple one to understand. It is New Year's Eve in 1981 in New York City's lower east side and all of the characters are en route to some chicks party. The objective is simple and one that most of us are familiar with. (Drinking = Shmoozing = Impaired moral fiber = shagging 'shmoozee' in the back of your AMC Gremlin)



As the movie digressed progressed, I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated, as at no point during the watching of this movie, did I even crack a smile. I was also getting lambasted by my buddies because we opted to forgo drinking beers while watching March Madness at my urging to instead, see this movie.

I continued to get a verbal lashing from said "friends" until, that same group of friends subjected me to over two hours of Jar Jar Binks in The Phantom Menace. We have since decided that we were now "even" and it was okay to put all of this behind us.

Can a Storm Trooper somewhere, please, shoot this jag off.

21 comments:

Dafeenah said...

And I thought mine were bad. Yours makes mine look good lol

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I couldn't agree more.

That BWP was soooooo daft.

Elizabeth Mueller said...

Aw, you mean you didn't like JarJar? ;)

Oh, I had no idea that 8 Millimeter had anything to do with that stuff. It does freak me out. I'm SO glad I wasn't curious to pick the movie up based on the trailer alone! *shudder*

♥.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.♥

Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?

YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

Jennifer said...

Great Post! I love movies but I especially love bad movies but only if I didn't pay to see them. I agree with all of your picks especially 200 Cigarettes....what a piece if crap that was.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You got me on the Scooby Doo comment! And the one about being paid to make people miserable.
Thanks for participating in the blogfest!

iZombie [2vs8] said...

great list... jar jar would be proud.
:)
i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!
jeremy
twothumbseightfingers.blogspot.com

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

I've only seen two of your pics and I agree with you.

Budd said...

I didn't think blair witch was scary and it gave me a headache

RaShelle Workman said...

Never saw Blair Witch. Just the jumpy camera in the trailers made me sick.

The Golden Eagle said...

I've only heard of one of the movies on your list--The Blair Witch Project. Guess I'll be avoiding that one, now!

becca said...

haven't watched any of these so can't say whether i agree or disagree

baygirl32 said...

seen them all, wish I hadn't! great list

julie fedderson said...

I had forgotten about 8mm, horrible, just horrible. And Blair Witch made me nearly lose my cookies from the nausea inducing camera work.

Jennie Bailey said...

I'm one of the few who actually got really freaked out by The Blair Witch project. I really liked it. But I only saw it once. The sequel, though, was horrible. They got a three picture deal, but number two was so bad that they canceled the third. Thankfully.

ib said...

D, your picks are worthy opponents, make no mistake about it.

Lass, BWP was horrible. I actually laughed more during BWP than I did during 200 cigs. That is how pathetic these two movies are.

Liz, Jar Jar can die, he can die and burn in a nether world. And he can take the prequel's with him.

Jenny, a woman after my own heart. I was beginning to think that my buddies and I and the ten other people in the theatre were the only ones that had heard of said, piece o' pooh.

Alex, Thank You, for starting the group up. I am looking forward to reading the other posts.

Zombie, thanks for stopping in. If Jar Jar is in agreement with me on anything, I am going to need to throw myself onto the nearest power line, as for that, I cannot allow.

Wendy, thank you and nice shoes.

Budd, I file BWP in with movies such as Happy Gilmore and Caddyshack, as it was so frigging bad, that it was funny to me.

RaShall, the camera thing didn't bother me much, just the whole movie. Every time I thought about the $7 I spent, I became nauseated.

Gold, good for you. Now, it will not be necessary for you to waste any time even thinking about them. A trip to the ER is not as bad as having willfully, sat through the majority of these movies.

Becca, I would tell you check them out for yourself, but the whole idea for having posted this would have been for naught.

Me also Baygirl, me also.

Julie, I could not agree more. IMO, the people that write movies such as these are the really farked up ones.

Jennie, I will not hold it against you. Like I said, there are a few of you out there. I am thankful that the decision makers at Artisan decided to forgo making the third one. They are saving lives, I tell you.

Pat Hatt said...

Totally agree those three are awful too, forgot about the last two, had to remind me huh haha

ib said...

Pat, thanks for stopping in. It's not hard to "forget about" any of these three movies. I only remember them because they bother me so. I have been thinking about having the chunk of brain that houses movie memory, completely removed.

stacey said...

'nuff said, but...
blair witch project was so f-ing awful it deserves its own bad movie post
funny as always and great pics! :)

ib said...

Stacey, I'm not that funny.

I'M FRICKING HELL-AIR-E-US!!

Vinny C said...

I couldn't get 8mm either.

But what I do get sometimes are blog awards. And I passed one to you.

Otis said...

You are critiquing movies and you don't know much about Christina Ricci and Kate Hudson? Seriously?