Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Phenomena Explained.

Today, our world is teeming with unexplainable phenomena. These phenoms, have baffled scientists and eluded capture for years while leaving (no real evidence) to support the theories of their existence. In the 1930's, it was The Loch Ness Monster (below on the left) in the Scottish Highlands. In the 1950's, rumors swirled of a ten foot, five hundred pound, Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Yeti, (below on the right) that roamed the U.S.'s Pacific Northwest. This beast was part man, part gorilla.

Nessie and The Squatch are only two examples. Most every corner, nook and cranny of this world has it's own mysterious beings, folklore or myth's. In eighteenth century Western Europe, it was the Vampire. In ancient Greece, people often spoke of the Lycan, or werewolf. Pretty much everywhere on this planet, has been haunted and/or visited by outer worldly beings (i.e. ghosts, aliens) But, regardless of technological advancements and man's lust to seek out these anomalies, we are left with sketchy photos and shaky arguments from "eye witnesses" to bolster said mysteries' authenticity. I, myself, would like to see some clarity as to the existence of the above, if for no other reason, than to shut the mouth's of each sides supporters. Maybe one of our local, on location reporters, could break one of these stories wide open. Then, and only then, will these, eccentric beings, get the attention that they rightly deserve.

Maybe, while in the middle of shooting a Jack Link's beef jerky commercial, the director shares a "harsh" critique of the yeti's lack of talent and gets his head kicked, clean off of his shoulders by the offended actor, who happens to be (a real Sasquatch). Or maybe, while Steve, the local weather forecaster is wrapping up his late night report, he makes notice of the moon being full, only to mauled to death by a hunting Lycan.

Hollywood doesn't help any one's cause, when it rolls out crappy movies with these phenomena, as the movie's main subject. A few of the most tragic reincarnations that come to mind are, Van Helsing (Vampire, Werewolf), The Blair Witch Project (God only knows), Killer Clowns From Outer Space (aliens) and Harry & The Henderson's (Sasquatch), with the only one having avoided this label of shame, being Nessie. But, now that I have mentioned it, some dope will get the idea in his head, and direct said film, with Nessie being the antagonist of the "straight to DVD" movie. Personal bias aside not so much, I fear that if said movie were to be created, it would end up being more, Godzilla-ish and less Jurassic Park-ish.

On a side note, I am not aware of any films on the topic of Nessie, but, I must also admit that I would not be surprised if there is a few tacky porno's out there, loosely based on the animals name. Ex. (The Cockiness Monster) (Nessie does Bessie) etc.

Today, I would like to pull up the proverbial curtain, as they say, and introduce the world to yet, another, un-explainable, but documented phenomena known as the sub human race, unicuman. The unicuman consists of equal parts unicorn and human, and although we do not know much about this breeds past, we can at least, say with certainty, that they do exist.

What we do know is that unicumans are conceived when a human egg is fertilized by the semen of a unicorn. The normal length of incubation is comparable to that of the human birthing cycle with only one exception. Unicumans are born exactly nine month's after conception, and I mean exactly nine month's (to the minute), as being half unicuman deems that the new life will be perfect in all most every way. In utero, the fetus does not receive sustenance via umbilical cord, but by magic fairies that feed the growing child that of pixie dust by means of osmosis. At birth, the newborn will show no physical signs that it is different from that of a normal human child, but in time, it will become apparent that this incarnation has indeed, honed exceptional abilities. Known unicumans that have come forward and admitted their true origin are as follows:

Yes, Justin Bieber is a unicuman and by the looks of it, he is saluting someone with the universal unicuman hello.

Tom Cruise is a unicuman that studies scienunicumantology. It is not uncommon for unicumans to become washed up, addicted to their own face and/or be the proverbial "ass" of the joke.

Ms. Spears is a unicuman that unfortunately, used her magical abilities to aid in her sobering herself after her four year cocaine, alcohol induced bender which eventually found her expecting child. It is not known at the present time, that if a unicuman be impregnated by a normal humans semen, that the newborn child be indeed unicuman, or a mixture. This will be a wonderful learning experience for us, going forward.

Mr. Rodgers is a unicuman that, throughout his lifetime, led a relatively good life by helping children. He is thus far, the only exception to the rule, as all other documented unicuman cases have destroyed themselves, while over endulging in monetary items, becoming addicted to meth and believing that they are perfect, only to find that they are far from it.

As a service to those who are interested, I will send out updated information regarding new studies, trends, cases, etc. All you need do is, make out a check payable to Etan Wicknerd, in the amount of $78.04, which helps investigate these magnificent creatures even further.

Thank you.


My Grama's Soul said...

THIS cracked me up!!!!!


Diego Sousa said...

WHAT? the blair witch project is crap?
i'll really have tou disagree here with you ma'am...

Jennifer said...

The check is in the mail and I think I may own a copy of Nessie does Bessie.

Jo-Anne Rambling said...

Cool this was both funny and interesting and the cheque is in the mail..........it is ok I don't have a cheque account so maybe it's not but I will leave it up to you to decide.

stacey said...

so so so so fun!

when i have a job that pays me in actual dollars, i will put the check in the mail as well!

ib said...

Soul, I am happy that you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping in.

Diego, first things first. Blair Witch blows donkey balls. Secondly, I am no ma'am, I'm all man dawg.

Jennifer, make a copy for me, for, uh.... educational purposes. Thanks for the check. Like the new pic, by the way.

Jo, you need not send that check. I have been paid in smiles and laughter.

Stacey, my love. I am honored by your kind words. Please, do not send me any check. Instead, allow me to touch your feet.

Shanda said...

You're crazy. Guess this is all what led up to the dogeetah or cheedog comment on my blog! Wonder what Mr. Rodgers would mix well with???

ib said...

Shanda, I should have informed you of my penchant for weirdness. If it becomes unbareable, I understand if you decide to run away.

stacey said...

um.... ok.

oh, and you forgot to make mention of the EvilDoing TeleTubbies, ... ahahahaha!

ib said...

Stacey, Evildoers are mentioned on a completely seperate post.

Yeah, I get that alot.

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