Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Welcome To Sitting Down With.....Oneself.

I am here. I think.

I have decided to force it upon thy self to post, no matter the cost, so consider this a disclaimer. This post could very well, blow and collateral damage is expected. In order to separate myself from the current funk that is hampering my ability to write, I figured that I would interview myself. Yes, you read that correctly. I am going to sit down with my Hyde side and add more confusion to the riddles that abound. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring to you, my alter ego and douche extraordinaire, Etan Wicknerd.

Me - Good morning, dear readers. Today, it is to my dismay, that I sit in the same body as our guest, Etan Wicknerd. Good morning Etan.
Etan - "Shut Up!"
Me - Wonderful. How have things been, since the diagnosis?
Etan - "What the hell are you talking about? Shut up!"
Me - Now Etan, in order for this interview to play to it's end, I'll need you to settle.........
Etan - "Enough. Start spewing questions, you chubby turd."
Me - Indeed. Let's begin.
Etan - "Shut Up!"
Me - (Breathing in to begin asking a question.)
Etan - "That is a dumb question, but one that I will address."
Me - I haven't ask......
Etan - "Carbon Fiber, is a fine, natural way to soften ones stool."
(queue, crickets chirping.)
Me - .....
Etan - "....."
Me - .....
Etan - "What?"
Me - Riiiigggght. Moving on.
Etan - "Move on then, Turd boy."
Me - How, would you say, that President Obama has done, as we look forward to the next election?
Etan - "I cannot complain, but I will because I can. IMO, he should be probed by aliens. We know already, that he is not human. In my studies, I have seen this type of sub human species. They are conceived when unicorn sperm comes in contact with a human egg. A sub species, if you will, that I have aptly named, Unicuman."
Me - errr.....
Etan - "Although very rare, there are several Unicuman's of note. Brittany Spears, Kanye West, Elton John and Tony Blair a few that come to mind."
Me - but.....
Etan - "But What? You asked me the question."
Me - no, actu.....
Etan - "Next question."
Me - Moving on then. 
Etan - "Yeah, lets move on, then. Let's move on to something that I find, rather frightening. Rosanne Barr. What a....."
Me - (raising voice) Mr. Wicknerd, she has no place in this "interview." Besides, she is no longer in the public eye and in turn, is not considered a threat to the youth around the world. 
Etan - "Yeah, but....."
Me - No Buts, you opinionated tool.....
Etan - "HEY, You asked ME to be here for this "interview." If you are unhappy with the answers I provide, for the recycled questions that YOU ask, then I will be happy to leave. Just cut me an effing check to cover my appearance fee, and I will be on my happy way, moron."
Me - Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is all of the time that has been allotted to this arrogant prick, so until the next time we chat, thank you for joining us and, be sure to pay your cable bill. Good Night.

The goods from back in the day.


becca said...

omg loved this great job very entertaining

Mynx said...

I'm glad I had had my coffee before reading this.
Loved it, has me giggling. Brilliant fun my friend

Shanda said...

no email listed so, Yes my post on the baby in Honduras was real. I've never tried fiction and just write from my life experiences. No...I didn't 'see' the hand of God. That ws in my head...neither fiction nor truth.

The Empress said...

OMG! Kanye West is a unicuman? That explains a lot!

Pearson Report said...

Short listed the Unicuman's I see!

What a great interview...who says one can't split a hair.
That's how I get thicker locks, you know!

I just might have to find my other half and have a little heart to heart.

Well done, ib, well done Etan! (filter in a little Twilight Zone music...cue to fade out...and call it a day)

Cheers, Jenny

stacey said...

Awesome! If you can stand it, you should interview yourself more often! hahaha...
Do you have other personalities we could meet?

Oh, but you were wrong about one thing.... though I am frightened by what it says about the world to admit this but... I saw Roseann on the David Letterman show the other night. It was scary.

Jessica Thompson said...

Tehehe hilarious!

Random Girl said...

Well, at least you are in good company with yourself... and it seems very entertaining!