Friday, July 29, 2011

Guest Post, Revisited.


To all you cats that missed this, or to those of you who are noob's, and did not have the chance to read it yet, the following is a guest post that I did for Mynxy on Dribble.....

Enjoy!

I would like to start off by thanking the lovely Mynx, for allowing me with the opportunity to further spread my toxicities to an audience that, in all likelihood, would have not bothered. It may very well be my first and last guest post, so I will do my very best to shat it all out in the here and now.

O’er the past ten month’s, Blogger has been a type of “feces removal service” if you will, that provides for me, a place to spew my ramblings to whomever happens by, and for that, I am grateful. I must apologize to those of you that had no intention of ever coming into contact with someone like me, but found themselves caught in the crossing of my streams, and have yet, to find a means of escape.
On The Hobbit, I have this thing that I do on occasion. I call it “Wushi Finger Wednesday.” On said day, I verbally apply the Wushi Finger, made popular by Kung Fu Panda Po, to some deserving toolbag, which has exhibited publically, his or her, douche canoe-ery. Today, I would like to do just that.

Enter Russia, The Ukraine and South Korea. Collectively, these three countries have decided to drop the “Captain America” from the “Captain America: The First Avenger” movie title, with hopes of deterring any “anti-America sentiment.” Never mind the fact that his costume sports stripes and stars, or the fact that he is indeed, an American or, what I find most disturbing, his archenemy “The Red Skull” is an ex member of the Schutzstaffel, which, as it turns out, was a branch of secret police in Nazi Germany that was formed to protect Hitler and later, operate concentration camps throughout Germany. The title will be shortened to “The First Avenger.” I.M.O., this is a crock pot o’ poop. He is frigging CAPTAIN AMERICA. If it is that big of a deal, ban the movie from your country. So, you offend comic book reading geeks that hold no ill will toward the U.S. Big deal. Just bitch slap them and send them to North Korea. But, please, for the love of everything sacred, do not change the name of the movie, solely because you hate America. Be original. Hating Americans is “like, so in” these days. Separate yourself from the pack, YOU DRONES.
SKADOOSH!!!!!


I could go on and on, verbally donkey punching idiots in our world but I digress. I have a blog of my own to run, which by the way, I have really, really sucked at doing as of late, but I am currently on my eight day work rotation so, I should have time to add to the mass-uh-cree.

Later

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What Is.....A Funyun?


His name is Idris Goodwin.
He is a poet. 
He is an essayist.
 He is an award winning playwright.
He is a rapper.
He is a teacher.
He is a dad.


Monday, July 25, 2011

The Final Installment

And, as promised, I'll answer the questions as best as I can, but before I do, please pop over and check out Mynx and Jenny on their own sites. You are wasting your time here, really.

If “pro” is the opposite of “con”, is progress the opposite of congress?
In my humble opinion, progress and congress should never be used with one another for anything, EVER. It is an oxymoron and should only be used when making fun of congress. But, I digress.

If Superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube?
It's an ancient Chinese secret and it will stay that way, cause it's (super) glue, not (mediocre) glue.

If psychic hot lines really employed psychics, wouldn't they call you first?
It's well known that psychic powers only work, traveling one way, via a land line, and that way, is into your billfold or purse or fanny pack. (Please do not tell me if you wear a fanny pack because I will want to hit you in the neck)

If a chronic liar tells you that he/she is indeed, a chronic liar, do you take them for their word?  Telling someone that you are a chronic liar isn't the best way to earn someones trust. So, I may believe you, but I may not trust you.

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?


I look at it this way. If it is partly cloudy, your "emo", if it is partly sunny, your "annoying".

If a fortune cookie has an expiration date, does the fortune inside expire also?
If said cookie is expired, then it doesn't really matter if the fortune is expired. You just ate a stale cookie and the chances are good that you will contract some horrible, bacterial infection, go into a coma, and awake only to realize that you are stuck in a never ending version of The Blair Witch Project. This of course, is per Confucius. 

If money doesn't grow on trees then, why do banks have branches?
They are not branches, they are dirty little fingers.

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
I would imagine that I wake up first. It would be creepy if I opened my eyes and then, woke up an hour later.

What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?
They finish regulation play, only to go into a shoot out that lasts for infin....wait, that's soccer. Never mind.

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
Because they would much rather see you get hit in the crotch. There is more to laugh at there.

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Be............cause............it............will.............work!

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it considered a success?
Yes. Because if a book about failure sells, then you can move on safely, knowing that there are people out there that actually bought it. You has to count for something, doesn't it?

Isn't it a little scary that a doctor's work is called practice?
I don't know. It would be equally as creepy if a doctor referred to his/her practice as being "perfect".

What would you do if you were the last person on this earth?
I would play Putt Putt, frolic around the city in Heidi Klum's lingerie while reenacting the "Fred scene" from
the movie, I Am Legend, and then, I would take a nap. Skadoosh!

And there you have it. My first guests, Jenny and Mynxy. My 100th, 101st & 102nd posts. Thanks to all that came by.


Centennial Achievement (Partie Deux)

As promised, here is the second round of questions for Jenny and Mynxy. Enjoy!

and Jenny's answers are in RED.

Remember, Mynx's answers are in Blue













Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

I don’t open my eyes until I have finished my first cup of coffee.

You’re making a broad assumption here that I actually sleep. When do you think all this mind-bending writing gets done, hmmm?
On those rare occasions when I do hit the hay I am lucky enough to start my coming out (of this drug induced sleep) phase with the rich and potent smell of freshly brewed coffee and sizzling bacon - all while my eyes are still closed. Only when the reality of yesterday’s burnt toast invades my nostrils do I open my eyes begrudgingly.

What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?

May I refer you to my post about the container of wine being dropped (irresistible force) onto the docks (immovable object). My guess is it will usually end in tears and a massive insurance claim.

The irresistible force makes home-made pork rinds.
The cast...
Immovable object = a pork bellied stud, commonly called Mr. Couch Potato.
Irresistible force = his little missus, lookin’ all perdy in her colourful muumuu.
The scene set-up...
She’s telling him to come eat dinner; he’s not moving!
Action...
Muumuu mama introduces her meat tenderizer mallet to pork bellied potato. (I’m thinking this could’ve happened to Big Fat Cat)
Fade out scene…
Irresistible force becomes the new immovable object - remote in one hand, pork rind in the other.
This has block-buster “hit” written all over it!

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

Because they really actually want to see what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object. (and watch you cry)

Eyes work independent of the brain and seek out cute little sexy objects to gaze upon thereby missing the more trivial objects, like that steel girder you are about to walk into on your construction site because little Miss Hot Pants caught that roving eye of yours. This is when your buddies chime in “heads up” so you’ll adjust your bulging eyes and clue into the fact that in less than a second you’re going to be decapitated if you don’t duck. Just saying…seen it happen...not pretty!


How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Because everybody knows you can always squeeze the last bit of power out by continuing to bully the remote (plus those electronics try to fool us sometimes and we need to show them who is boss)

Have you been watching me? Cause I could swear I closed the curtains.
(unlike my buddy Drake, who doesn’t have curtains)
With all the technology out there you’d think by now they would have a built-in low battery indicator light on remotes - I mean really, is Viagra research that important! I’m sure most dudes would rather have a fully charged remote in their hand any day!


If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it considered a success?

No, but it is a wonderful example for the sequel.

Is that like the one where if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
Sounds like a good book, a worthy read and probably written to prove the point that you can succeed at failing; write 250,000 words about it and get fifteen minutes on Oprah because she likes plugging successful failures. Note to self: call “O” and arrange an interview!


Isn't it a little scary that a doctor's work is called practice?

Yes but they are going to keep right on practicing until you can read their writing and they actually start fixing people.

Practice make perfect! See, docs are always telling each other they are perfect, in fact god-like, and they revel and marvel at each others skills.
I imagine it’s quite a sight in the locker room before a big surgery - you know - the huddling, the butt smacks, the “I’ve got your back” words of encouragement.
Then as Doc Perfecto heads into the OR one of his team mates calls to him, ”Yo, Bob, this time don’t forget to remove the scalpel when you’re done.”
Always covering for each other...helps avoid malpractice!


What would you do if you were the last person on this earth?

Oh that’s a sad idea. But if I had the time, guess I would find a case of that really expensive red wine, the best chocolate still available and enjoy the quiet. Until I went stark raving mad.

I would start with a late afternoon cocktail; break a leg or two off the dining room table and light a fire; maybe take a slow stroll to the nearest gun shop (I will need to eat) and then settle in for a relaxing evening of listening to my heart beat! So far...so good.
About a week into it I’ll be wrapping my head in aluminum foil and hoping the Mothership is in the neighbourhood. I have, after all, been expecting them for eons now...lazy assed aliens that they are!


And that, my friends, is how you get it done. Again, I say to thee, if you have not done so, please go to these ladies respective web sites and read up on some of their other musings. I'll even make it easy for you.



Thank you ladies.

And, in the spirit of why I do this blog stuff, tomorrow I will answer these questions in an extremely (O.C.D) sort of way, so if you find that there is nothing to do and bordem sets in, please come back, and I will finish this thing off, Hobbit Style !

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Centennial Achievement

Today, the Hobbit will step into two new arena's. The first being triple digit postings. That is correct, this post that you now read, is number one hundred, folks, and to mark this little hallmark moment, I have decided to partake in a second first, or, uh...whatever... by asking two of my biggest fans to join me in a "Round Table Discussion," if you will, on several topics that do not garner the attention that they rightly deserve. Please welcome Mynx (Dribble..... & Secret Pleasures) and Jenny (The Pearson Report)

Jenny's answers are in RED.
Mynxy's answers are in BLUE.
















If “pro” is the opposite of “con”, is progress the opposite of congress?

I am guessing this question relates to American politics in some way (some little voice in my head telling me that “congress” contains politicians) but when I first read it, for some reason I thought “pro” as in prostitute and ‘con’ as in conman which kind of go together and have absolutely nothing to do with politics, or maybe they do in some people’s opinions.
I do know that some politicians prostitute themselves (not sexually of course) to win votes at election times, promising favours for votes and then con you into believing that they will actually produce progress.  Which never seems to happen here in Australia without huge amounts of back flips and broken promises followed by huge taxes.

Well if the progress of any political congress is any indication then yes, congress is the opposite.

If Superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube?

Ah, I know the answer to this one. Magic!!! 
There is a special glue wizard at the factory that coats the inside of each glue tube with a special spell which stops sticking. Truly

The answer is air...it needs air to do its thing - no air in tube, no sticking.
But, how do I really ‘feel’ about Superglue - that’s the real question here. I’m sure you are more interested in my ‘feelings’, right?
Superglue sucks...I feel since it doesn’t stick to anything in my world I have no expectations for it to do any more in its own environment. I say send it to congress and see if they can make any progress!

If psychic hot lines really employed psychics, wouldn't they call you first?

Absolutely not.  If they called you they couldn’t charge you $9.95 per minute which they know they will suck you into paying. They are psychic enough to know that those that call are gullible enough to not only pay the cash but also hand over their credit card details again and again and again just to be told that their dead dog/husband/cactus is in a better place and wants them to be happy.

I knew you were going to ask this question...

If a chronic liar tells you that he/she is indeed, a chronic liar, do you take them for their word?

I believe everybody, I am gullible like that.  Now where is the phone number to the Psychic hot line, I need to check on Auntie Flo.

Yes, because sooner or later a good liar gets caught up in their own truth.

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

Well that depends on what weather channel you listen to.  However if you live in Victoria (Australia) you wait 5 minutes and you get a new season.

Whenever I partly give a damn.

If a fortune cookie has an expiration date, does the fortune inside expire also?

Fortune Cookies expire?  Gee someone better tell my local Chinese restaurant.  Think they have been selling the same batch since 1973.

Big Fat Cat says one year, tops; and I’m not arguing with anybody named Big Fat Cat. As to the fortune inside - BFC advises, “You have to eat the entire cookie, or else. My question is, “What’s the ‘or else’?”

If money doesn't grow on trees then, why do banks have branches?

Good question grasshopper.  Banks call them branches to inspire customer confidence.  After all, if they called them “black holes of doom designed to suck out every last cent in fees” nobody would use them.  Branches make people think of pretty flowers and tweety birds, not vultures in corporate clothing.

Some post Woodstock dude, probably BFC, was hittin’ on his bongo (drum or pipe, either will do for this scenario to work) and thought this sentence up while contemplating why he parks in his driveway and drives on the parkway.
For a more in-depth answer I would need to throw CCR on the turntable and chill a bit...inhale deeply and contemplate the rotation of the planet...this may take a while.


In an attempt to allow your brain the chance to rest, I have decided to cut this little "interview" into three parts. The second part will be posted tomorrow, and the third, well, the third will be Tuesday-ish. I will answer these questions myself, put on a nice, big red bow and allow you all the opportunity to critique my effort. Catch ya all later, and please, if you are not already, click the links to these fine ladies sites and show love. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

You Erk Me, I Am Erked.

Yello, and welcome. The hiatus is over, the big top was taken down and the corporate monster that is my employer has again, requested that I work, or at least, give off the impression that I am working. So, that's what I'll be doing for the next eight, but over the past few days, I have been irritated, to say the least, with a few things. THE MEDIA (Shocker?) HOLLYWOOD (Plastic City) N.F.L.P.A. (Babies) and TACO BELL. So, we will start with the circus media.

Dear Media Monster, As a concerned citizen, I must ask that you get a clue. Your constant nagging has just about ran it's course here. Could you go away? Like, forever? I do not want you to drive your news van off of a hillside because you will likely take out innocent people at the bottom of said hill. The last thing that our humanity needs is for more people to die on the account of your dumb asses. I ask that you put your microphones /camera's down, and walk away. It is the least that you could do.

 Hollywood, I must preface this plea with a word of caution. Please, if you happen to live in California or L.A., please, STOP HERE. You need to hear this from someone that lives in the "real world" and not in the Land of Mordor or Beverly Hills. The time for inserting plastic and poisonous liquids into your body must come to an end. Little girls around the world are watching you fake your way through "life" and in turn, are likely forming the wrong impression of themselves and their physical appearance. Your surgically chiseled cheek bones, your surgically implanted watermelon sized tatties and your twenty thousand dollar ascott's are becoming ridiculously annoying. Your even starting to make these kids' parents act crazy. These "parents" are allowing their daughters to go under the knife in an attempt to better their chances of winning Miss "I'm Only Thirteen Years Old"  Teen America, because they want their children to live with a ton of money, but no REAL sense of purpose. Touche!!!!!! Actually, Arnold, can you just go back to your home planet and take the entire city of Los Angelas with you.



N.F.L.P.A., Shut up, sign a deal and get your ass on the field. You are EMPLOYEES. Your EMPLOYER signs your absurdly large paychecks because he is YOUR BOSS. The FANS that cheer you on and buy your jersey's are begging you to come down off of that soap box and look at things from the ground level. You may actually remember that, back in the day, the majority of you were normal people, that had normal people problems.

The Proverbial "Fat Cats" want more loot.
 Taco Bell, is it, or isn't it? It really does not matter how you answer this question. It is not likely that people will stop eating your food, regardless of what your "meat" is made of. I know what you claim and unless it comes out that you are grinding up humans and using them as your "beef", people do not care. I don't mind your food honestly, and on many occasion, you are the only place that is still open when I am on my way home from work, so I have been known to swing in for "fourth meal" or whatever it is that you call it. And, on a more personal note, if you will, could you bring back the BLT Soft Taco? Or, just give me the recipe and I will make my own, with real bacon.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Revisited)

Upon logging on this morning, I completed the usual routine.
Cup of Coffee? Check.
Be-a-Nate? Check.
Cup of Coffee? Check.
Que up Google? Check.
Send/Receive G mail? Check.
Skim over Hobbit? Check.
Comment? Ch........wait just one minute. 
What do we have here? It looks like Nemo & Dori have hooked (pun intended) a brother up.
To mine surprise, Hobbit Fan Extraordinaire Jenny, left this little ditty on the Pearson Report.


Seems that Jenny has a daughter, and her name is Courtney. And Courtney, is a mermaid. Seriously. If you don't believe me, click the following link. Underwater Tales

And, if you have followed this blog for any considerable amount of time, you may have read somewheres, in it's contents, my Jones for mermaids. Ariel? Darryl Hannah? Courtney?

As part of excepting, said award there are a few questions that need answering, so here goes.

Do I like to swim?
By swimming, do you mean flailing arms and legs violently while staying afloat, and somehow, moving from one side of the pool, to the other. Then, yes. My answer is yes. I am just not very "fluid", if you will, while in the drink.

Have I ever swam with dolphins?
No, but I would, if ever the chance would arise.

Do large bodies of water scare me?
Yes. Yes, they do. Examples of why.

You cannot see what is lurking near you and when in the "ocean", you become a possible source of sustenance for the above.

What is my favorite movie that features water?

If I could be any sea creature, what would I be?
Nessy.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Welcome To Sitting Down With.....Oneself.

I am here. I think.

I have decided to force it upon thy self to post, no matter the cost, so consider this a disclaimer. This post could very well, blow and collateral damage is expected. In order to separate myself from the current funk that is hampering my ability to write, I figured that I would interview myself. Yes, you read that correctly. I am going to sit down with my Hyde side and add more confusion to the riddles that abound. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring to you, my alter ego and douche extraordinaire, Etan Wicknerd.

Me - Good morning, dear readers. Today, it is to my dismay, that I sit in the same body as our guest, Etan Wicknerd. Good morning Etan.
Etan - "Shut Up!"
Me - Wonderful. How have things been, since the diagnosis?
Etan - "What the hell are you talking about? Shut up!"
Me - Now Etan, in order for this interview to play to it's end, I'll need you to settle.........
Etan - "Enough. Start spewing questions, you chubby turd."
Me - Indeed. Let's begin.
Etan - "Shut Up!"
Me - (Breathing in to begin asking a question.)
Etan - "That is a dumb question, but one that I will address."
Me - I haven't ask......
Etan - "Carbon Fiber, is a fine, natural way to soften ones stool."
(queue, crickets chirping.)
Me - .....
Etan - "....."
Me - .....
Etan - "What?"
Me - Riiiigggght. Moving on.
Etan - "Move on then, Turd boy."
Me - How, would you say, that President Obama has done, as we look forward to the next election?
Etan - "I cannot complain, but I will because I can. IMO, he should be probed by aliens. We know already, that he is not human. In my studies, I have seen this type of sub human species. They are conceived when unicorn sperm comes in contact with a human egg. A sub species, if you will, that I have aptly named, Unicuman."
Me - errr.....
Etan - "Although very rare, there are several Unicuman's of note. Brittany Spears, Kanye West, Elton John and Tony Blair a few that come to mind."
Me - but.....
Etan - "But What? You asked me the question."
Me - no, actu.....
Etan - "Next question."
Me - Moving on then. 
Etan - "Yeah, lets move on, then. Let's move on to something that I find, rather frightening. Rosanne Barr. What a....."
Me - (raising voice) Mr. Wicknerd, she has no place in this "interview." Besides, she is no longer in the public eye and in turn, is not considered a threat to the youth around the world. 
Etan - "Yeah, but....."
Me - No Buts, you opinionated tool.....
Etan - "HEY, You asked ME to be here for this "interview." If you are unhappy with the answers I provide, for the recycled questions that YOU ask, then I will be happy to leave. Just cut me an effing check to cover my appearance fee, and I will be on my happy way, moron."
Me - Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is all of the time that has been allotted to this arrogant prick, so until the next time we chat, thank you for joining us and, be sure to pay your cable bill. Good Night.

The goods from back in the day.

Monday, July 11, 2011

What Was She Thinking?

I am at a loss kids. I am coming up empty with fodder to post on my own blog so I guess I will need to go diggin' in the crates. As a side note, I have appeared as a guest on Mynx's Dribble.....  if you need a quick fix. Just click on the headless, hunky link below, and it will take you there. In the meantime, I will conjure up some nugget that will pass as a post.


My new found success can only be summed up in the following video. Enjoy.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

A Public Service Announcement

I wanted to chime in to inform any concerned parties that I have not been dropped off in the middle of nowhere, hungover and wondering where I acquired an itchy rash. I am being lazy, but using the excuse that life has been hectic, so as to not lose followers, caused by inactivity. I am in the process of redefining the meaning of the word TOOL.
I plan on posting an actual "post" very soon, as I have happily returned to, yet another, seven day rotation, as my contract with an employer that shall remain nameless, specifies. Some of you may witness me, lampooning, on someone else's blog very soon, as I have been asked to contribute a bit of my idiocracy to a completely new and naive audience. So, I leave you now, with a song from Matisyahu. Enjoy !!!


Sunday, July 03, 2011

Winning?







Ah yes. The fourth of July. A day to set aside, for Americans to celebrate the day that we became our own nation. We banned together with one common goal. Push the British out so that we could live under our own rule. The premise itself is one of good intention and I know that there a few people that celebrate for the original reasons as to why it started in the first place.

I admit, this is very pretty. But that is not what the schmuck down the street is displaying.
Now, I must admit, I am not a big fan. I am thankful for soldiers that lost their lives over the years and the soldiers that fought and came stateside unharmed. It's everything else that comes along with it. First and foremost, I cannot stand the constant launching of fireworks, that seem to start in April, but do not cease until sometime in September. I'm sorry, but if after July fifth, your still shooting bottle rockets into the night sky and chugging beers with your buddies, I need to tell you something. YOU ARE BEING FRIGGING ANNOYING, dig? There are days that are set aside for you to blow your load, and to do so legally. There are even extra law enforcement, fire departments and e.m.t.'s on the ready, so when Billy forgets to let go of the M-80 before it explodes, they are more likely to get there to save Billy's life. But after the fourth, your kind of on your own. Every year, it happens. Some meat head consumes one too many Zima's and explodes a firework in his hand, or even worse, hits a buddy in the ass, causing third degree burns. "But it sure was a hoot." And, after that, they will likely file a lawsuit against the manufacturer because the packaging did not say "do not shoot friend in ass."

MY BAD, I JUST ASS-U-MED THAT IT WAS IMPLIED
The second thing that bothers me is the amount of money people put into this crap. If you have the dough, cool by me. But there are those that spend a paycheck because they want to be cool and out duel the neighbor. It just makes little sense to me.

O.k. The head transplant went very well. It was a tough decision though, having already done it once in the past. The doctors said that in time, the coloring of the new new body will eventually lighten on it's own. I do have the option to get it spray painted but, I have tempted fate too many times now. Two head transplants is enough. I will, however, miss playing with my own boobs.

Before
After