Thursday, March 31, 2011

Death. Coming To A Zoo Near You

Okay. I do not know about all of you but I must reiterate my position when it comes to snakes. I don't like them. They are creepy. They are sneaky. They kill people. And now, they have figured out a way to escape from their cage at The Bronx Zoo.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, you read co rectally. I happened by this story while looking for material that would benefit my ever growing finger fetish following, or, FFF, as I would have it. For you noobie mus-turds, you can ketchup by clicking here. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Now that you have had a refresher, I shall continue with a few new visual reminders.
Shall we?

"I'm gonna eat your head, and your
mothers head. At the same time."

This is just not right, not rite at-tall.

That is just F'd in the A, Bee !!!!!

The twenty-four inch long devil spawn Egyptian Cobra that escaped from it's cage last Friday was found coiled up in a dark corner of the Hotel O' Death Reptile House display today (Thursday) according to zoo officials. It was said to be in "good spirits" (whatever the hell that means) and showed no indication of having sustained injury or death. (Damn it)
Now, if they could find that damned gynormous alligator* that was flushed down the toilet by some careless scientist back in the early eighties that ended up eating, like, half of the population of New York City, all would be well in this world.

Yes, my fear of snakes is this bad.

*Reference from the movie Alligator, released in 1980. The plot is as follows:

Angry father,
flushes daughters baby alligator down toilet,
baby alligator feeds on the "disposed of" corpses of laboratory animals,
baby alligator gets flipping huge,
People of Chicago stroll along, oblivious to the growing gator under their feet,
giant baby alligator decides that it is tired of eating table scraps,
giant baby alligator throws a coming out of the sewer party and eats several humans,
humans get fed up with giant killer baby alligator eating humans,
angry humans decide to hunt down giant killer baby alligator,
giant baby alligator takes out a few more humans before meeting it's maker, who happens to be the daughter of the dude that flushed the gator down the toilet,
daughter blows up giant killer baby alligator, ending the carnage.
Roll credits,
Wait, well, what do you know,
tricky director guy has one more scene,
baby alligator on screen falls down into sewer,
screen goes black,
I smell sequel.

In other news,
Former Major League Baseball player Barry Bonds' former "professional shopper and aide" testifies to a ..........blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. People, he's a juicer. Just another professional athlete that has done something that he shouldn't have according to league rules. Why it is being tried in supreme court? I do not care to know. Another fine example of our judicial system's main focus, MONEY.

My fellow Cleveland Browns Fans were rated as the fifth worst fan base in the NFL, according to some list maker guy on The Bleacher Report. I agree, we can be a bunch of drunken idiots if the mood is right, but understand this, we loved our team and that evil stooge Art Modell broke one off in the entire city of Cleveland and moved the Browns to ........I just threw up in my own mouth........and left a bunch of die hard and loyal football fans with no football team. And yes, I know.
* Fans did pelt the field with beer bottles after the referee's overturned a call that caused the 3 - 12 Browns to end the season at 3 - 13. Our frosty beers are now served in plastic bottles. It ends up, one of those ref's got smacked upside his dome piece with an empty bottle of Pabst.
* Last season, a man and his eight year old son were exiting the stadium after a loss to the N.Y. Jets when some drunken idiot fan tackled the kid because he was sporting his Jets jersey. In my opinion, he had it coming. Dumb kid. Know your role, ya Jabroni. (Attention Drake) At eight years old, I knew better than to wear anything other than Browns stuff. Hell, my own dad would have tackled me if I did different.
* Fans cheered when former QB and overall good dude, Tim Couch went down with what may have been a career ending knee injury. I was not one of them. That is just breaking balls.

ib out
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Drake Sigar said...

“Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?” – Indiana Jones

becca said...

thanks for scaring the sheet out of me with those pics i hate snakes. have a great weekend

Haven said...

Aw, I love snakes! But everything you said was hysterical =) Should you ever happen across a snake, don't worry, I shall protect you.

Also, I'm originally from Cleveland. Gotta say, I just can't get behind the Browns. It's like voluntary disappointment. Too sad. Cavs aren't any better.

bruce said...

my team went 0 and f*ing 16...and has not won a championship in 50 years and won just one playoff game since.

*beer sales end at the third quarter*

my pro b-ball team had a brawl over a call causing a baller to jump in the seats.

*i think they still sell x and crack all game long*

my pro baseball team sends pitchers away and they become 20 game winners and world series stars..

*if you drink beer at a baseball game it is usually to put you outta your misery cuz they play 2 hundred a year and each one takes like six lifetimes*

my pro hockey team went 42 years without a championship but them won 4 in 13 years... they serve beer all game long, have a winning tradition, have made the post season 20 years straight (a record)

so i still love me some wings...

but pro sparts is a waste of time...

Lance said...

I'm scared of three things; snakes, motorcycles, and redheads.

ib said...

Drake, thatswhatimsayin'!!

Becca, sorry.

Haven, thanks. How funny would that be, anyway? You and I, walking down Prospect on our way to The Lizard, when, to my surprise, we see an anaconda. I freak out, squeal like a stuck pig and jump into your arms. You carry me to safety and go back to face the beast and return with a gift. A snake skin Crocodile Dundee hat for me to wear. Classic.

Red, every team I follow comes attached with a horrid history. Six monthes ago, that would not have included The Buckeyes but it is starting to get ugly.

Lance, I'm with you on the scooter and the snakes, but I am a sucker for red heads.

bruce said...

so like i gave you an award at my JADIP blog...that is how i roll...

cuz i am all warm and fuzzy like that...

and you deserve it cuz i love your blog!

do with it what you will...

i will be posting the blog soon...

Bruce and Tucker
Bruce Johnson JADIP
Evil Twin
stupid stuff I see and hear
The Dreamodeling Guy
The Guy Book
The Guy Book