Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Night I Eluded The Grip Of Death

While perusing a few of the blogs that I follow, I came across something that reminded me of a story from my past. It seems that Tara over at the word for love is...... has an understandable fear of raccoons. And, while I am not terrified of them, I can understand her plight.


This story took place while I was still in college. My buddy and I went out for a beer(s) after mid terms to celebrate not failing out. Normally, we would hang out at his crib and play Coolboarders 2 on PS1 but it was one of those nights that hanging in wasn't gonna cut it. Now, there is nothing to note while we were at the bar so I am going to fast forward to when we stumbled back to the shack.

Thankfully, the apartment was next door to a Seven-Eleven and they always had nachos and two for one hot dogs. And, in our drunken state, sustenance was of much importance, as well as an extra large Mountain Dew Slushy for re hydration. It wasn't terribly late, I'd say it was somewheres around midnight and Coolboarders was calling. As we cut around the corner of the store, we were in the middle of a heated debate on the topic of cheez whiz when my buddy eyed a raccoon in his yard. Being hammered and having brain freeze from the slush's must have caused a temporary lapse of better judgement because we began to chase that fuzzy little bastard around the back yard. It did not take long for us to become winded and he was a quick little sucker, thus, he got away. For whatever reason, we stayed downstairs and ate our food while Mr Raccoon went on about his business. OR SO WE THOUGHT.

As we neared the stairway to the apartment, we heard a scratching sound above us. We paid it no mind because we were again caught in the argument about the pros and cons of cheez whiz. At the top step, I saw something shiny on the other side of the deck. Me, being the curious one started toward the shiny, while my buddy went into the apartment. As I drew nearer to this unknown shiny thing, I suddenly realized that the shiny was not a treasure, but a cornered, pissed off, rabies laced raccoon that had had enough of us drunk humans. I froze, his tail was all puffed out and he started hissing and getting mouthy. At that moment, I chose to flee instead of fight. Like a superhero, I sprung into the air and swung my legs over the hand rail to the stairs. I could hear that little bastard gaining traction above me. I hit a little further down on the stairs than I would have liked but I had just looked death in the face and was not going to let him take me on this night. Like a track star, I sprinted through the yard toward my car. He was gaining on me. It was like somebody being chased in a horror movie. No matter how fast I went, he went faster. As I got to my car, I swung the door open to get in and in doing so, the little devil spawn rammed head first into my car door. I jumped in, slammed the door shut and watched as he stumbled around trying to regain his senses. Finally, after a minute or two, he shook off the cob webs and started to trot down the alley. I opened my door slowly, I did not want to frighten him into charging back to finish me off. As I shut the door quietly, I was interrupted by loud laughter. I looked up on the deck to find my buddy, his roommate and two chicks having a funny on my behalf.

Damn Raccoons.


Tara said...

I was not expecting raccoon pictures when I surfed over to your blog today. My heart jumped into my throat, haha. Also, that is an utterly terrifying raccoon story. Those things are devil spawn.

ib said...

I should have warned you in advance. I aim not to harm you, only to sound the alarm on those foul creatures.

bruce said...

dude i want to party with you!

great post...i hate when i am DrunkSlushTarded...throw in the 2fer dogs and noachos with the cheezwiz debate and well...things get!

glad you survived!

bruce johnson jadip
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
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ib said...

Bruce, we can party anytime man. I was probably over the legal limit through most, if not all of my twenties.

becca said...

omg a pissed off rabies racoon not good explains why Clarence use like to shoot them rather then make friends with them. great post

Jumble Mash said...

Wait...I wanna hear the cheese whiz debate.

Great post, ib! Thanks for the laugh!

ib said...

Becca, who's Clarence? I was a sheltered child.

Jumble, the debate was a simple one that we took the drunk level. I believe that cheez whiz is not a dairy product of any kind. He insisted that it was indeed, an offshoot dairy product and that it did hold some nutritional value. We have since agreed to disagree.

Krissy said...

Holy hell, look at those teeth! Although, I must admire how straight the first one's are. Those are scary mamma jammas. Did I spell that right? I wouldn't much care if I did if a raccoon was on my ass.

Sandra said...

Those racoons are creepy little beasts. I remember when I was a kid, my mom tried to chase one off our back porch with a broom. It ended up chasing US back into the house:
racoon: 1, humans: 0

ib said...

Krissy, those little Satan stakes are nasty. If it weren't for my ninja like reflex's, those little chompers would have caused a few problems. I always thought that it was maamba jaamba's but if I remember correctly?, Sid the Sloth from Ice Age pronounced as you do.

Sandra, a broom will do you know good. You need a samurai sword.