Saturday, January 08, 2011

I Suck, But I Can Drive

I admit it. I suck. I am a whoreable blogger. Bruce pimps me out like a two bit and I go M.I.A. for five days. The nerve. I apologize to the peeps for being inactive but I had a few personal issues that needed tending to. Things are getting back to normal so I should be able to interact a little more.

A couple of days ago, I was on my way home from my In-Law's place, which is about 40-50 miles away. The trip is a breeze, consisting of open highway almost all the way but it can also be a tricky little trek if the weather dumps a boatload of snowman poop on the roads. There is a lot of open space so the wind can make things slick, and do it in a hurry. So, the scene was set for a little bit of trouble but nothing all that major, right? NOT.

It is my humble opinion that every single year, the people of Indiana forget the basics when operating a motor vehicle in inclimate weather. It's horrible. So, there I was, tooling down the highway at around 45 mph's in my little Volkswagen, Bear in the back seat oblivious to the danger lurking ahead. Some 500 feet ahead of me, a semi driver decides that jack knifing is fun and spins out in front of me. As his trailer swings around in the median, I notice that it is not stopping in the median, and continues to swing back onto the highway. It was like slow motion. My brain started breaking down all possible scenarios.

Scenario 1, Continue current path, slowing down, sustaining only minimal damage by hitting the back wheels at slow speed. Not good, cars behind, don't trust that they are paying attention and will fall back. Daughter flashes into the rear view, looking like she was seeing a real life dinosaur. Trailer may have full load and be heavy, making impact worse than expected.

Scenario 2, Veer left into median, down shifting to a stop next to the cab, avoiding accident and damage to the car. Not good, full size pick up in left lane, moving much faster than he should because he believes that his big ass 4WD is nails on ice. WRONG, he tapped on his breaks and slid off into the median but avoided collision, thankfully.

Scenario 3, The impossible. Detach seat belt and jump into backseat. Detach Bears seat belt, dive through the passenger side window while protecting daughter from glass, and then performing a perfect judo roll to the road side. Car totalled, daughter and daddy safe with only minor bumps and bruises. Like I said, impossible.

Scenario 4, Flare my testicles, drop into 3rd gear, and punch it Fast and Furious style to attempt squeezing  through an ever closing gap between impending trailer and guard rail.
THAT'S MY BITCH.
Dropped into third, hammer pedal to the floor, guided car through the window without being swiped by the trailer or leaving paint on the guard rail. It's all good in the hood. I slowed the car to a halt and hung on the side of the road for a minute, wanting to make sure the semi driver was okay. Cops arrived on the scene, waved me on. De flare the nug.....no, not yet. Arrive at home and bring the biggins out to give my hot neighbor a look see. Damn, she's not outside, and why would she be, it's negative 3 with wind chill. Okay, in the house with my baby girl, nuggets deflate. Tear up because I remembered my daughters face in the rear view. Little voice interrupts my train of thought, and says "Chillax daddy, we are safe."

Indeed baby, indeed.


10 comments:

bruce said...

i am a pimpin mfer...and you are a good blogger, so donworry...

bloggering should not be a stressor, so chillax! just like oyur baby said!

glad to here you are safe!

although, i was hoping you did the impossible and did the heroics, cuz tha'd be f*ing coolio!
Bruce
bruce johnson jadip
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
the guy book
Dreamodel Guy
dreamodeling!

ib said...

It was an option dude, but, I have a little extra hanging around the mid section so getting through the window may have been a reach. By the way, if you are still wanting a daddy view for the guy book, tell me what you need, want, etc. Later

Drake Sigar said...

In scenario three you forgot the part where your top is ripped off to reveal your abs. Not to mention the bit where you walk uncaringly away with daughter in hand as the car explodes behind you. Also at some point a pair of sunglasses may have materialized over your eyes. And despite your car being a wreak, the radio refuses to stop playing Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop me Now’.

becca said...

wow so glad i no longer drive

ib said...

Drake, I like it. I would only change the song from Queen to Scarface "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta." That is pimp.

bruce said...

dude the spell checker was totally not working in my last comment...

i still am looking forward to your post on fatherhood..

i think it should include how you really felt upon finding your wife was preggers.

what things she got inexplicably pissed at you about during pregnancy

the journey of nine months etc!

what it was like the day of, your worries fears and hopes and joys!

and what you thought about when you first saw your bear!

and what it feel like to be a father.

do not stress about it, tho' i am hoping to do this in early/mid feburuary..so youz gots time!

you have a great wit so it will be most awesome!

email it and any other q's to me at askevilbruce@gmail.com

peace to you hero~man!

bruce

Chief aka Dad http://unsoundreasoning.blogspot.com said...

Option 3 was the way to go but the song would have to be George Thoroughgood's Bad to the Bone! So glad your cat-like reactions saved you from total disaster :-)

hed said...

Oh I was cracking up so hard.

THAT'S MY BITCH.

Oh, how I wish I had balls sometimes!

hed

ib said...

Hed, balls are fun but you have to take extra precaution when completing some of the easiest of tasks.

Abigail said...

I wanted to stop by and say thanks for the comment! I'm always thrilled to meet another 90's alternative/grunge aficionado. Trust, Nirvana will be a common occurrence on that blog - once I start on that band, I don't stop.

Meanwhile, I very much enjoyed reading your latest post! I am all too familiar with such vehicular terror. My driving has been compared, usually unsarcastically, to that of Mr. Magoo's. Fantastic. Don't be a stranger! :)