Monday, January 31, 2011

Wushi Finger Wednesday

I was thinking about some stuff overnight and I have come to a conclusion. The post just before this one I took out some frustration on one deserving  individual. I am going to try to make this a normal think. I'm gonna call it "Wushi Finger Wednesday", I think. Each hump day post, I will point out some dope that has either done something stupid, is in a position of power and may do something stupid or any miscreant that does something that make him/her/it stand out with some good old fashioned ribbing. Let me know via comment if I should move forward with it or junk it. Thanks for stopping in.

The Wushi Finger

Poe applying the Wushi Finger Hold.
I will start by saying thank you to Bruce over at JADIP for his generosity. He passed the LOL Award over to me and for that, I am grateful. Tress at Jumble Mash also gave me this award a few days ago so instead of putting you through the horror of learning seven more things about me that no one knows of, I will just leave a link to the post from yesterday if that is okay. LOL Post

In an attempt to blow off a little steam, I wanted to give a few deserving people The Wushie Finger. For those of you that do not know what The Wushi Finger is, watch the YouTube clip below.

Now that you are in the know, I will proceed.
(Disclaimer - The Wushi Finger hold should only be performed by those that have mastered the martial art of Kung Fu and/or if you find yourself waging battle with a talking snow leopard)

The Wushi Finger Goes To.........

Judy Clarke, Defense Attorney, California
Here is just a sampling of her client list and after you are enlightened, you will know why I would give her the Wushi Finger. She led the defense for The Unabomber, Susan Smith, Eric Rudolph and now, her newest client, Jared Loughner. One could surmise that Judy has a soft spot for quacks.

(The links above take you to Wikipedia)

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Have A Funny, Atleast To Me

First things first. I am always a bit humbled when my peers pass an award my way. The fact that you all take time out of your day to read the the mental excrement that I output still baffles my brain. I started this think up thinking that maybe, I would amass a following of three or four family members that felt an obligation to at least give off the impression that somebody was interested. After a few weeks, the nostalgia would wear off and the idea would simply fade away. But, for whatever reason, twenty people have decided to check in regularly, comment and on a few rare occasions, deem it worthy of an award, like today. Tress over at JUMBLE MASH did just that. Check out this little beauty.

It seems that something I said struck a chord with Tress and she LOL'd. Hence, the award. Thank you Tress. You are the "Queen of Cool".

Along with accepting this award, I must complete the following tasks.
Task # 1. Link to the person who gave you this award. (In a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this) 
I did this above but I just can't help myself.


Task # 2. Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them. (VIA email or by commenting on one of their posts)

Task # 3. Say seven things about yourself that no one knows. (Or at least you think no one knows.)
I am sure to regret admitting to some of these but at least someone may get a giggle out of it.
1. When my daughter is mad at me, she calls me "Poopy Daddy".
2. I have not always been this girthy.
3. I'm infatuated with ninjas.
4. I am a Cleveland Browns apologist.
5. My Father has referred to me as the "Oops Baby".
6. I turn into a little girl when I am in the presence of (ANY) type of snake.
7. When I was a toddler, my favorite article of clothing to wear, (oh Lord, I can't believe I going there) was my sisters yellow dress.

Task # 4. Pass these rules on.

And, on that note, I leave you with a few pictures that I found humorous while perusing the inter webs.
(And hopefully, it will aid in your forgetting that I ever admitted to "number 7".)

That's just dirty pool, man. Honk, Honk

The crap I put up with being a fan of the Browns.

I don't know why I find this funny, I just do.

This is me, with boobs. Note, I am not wearing a dress. I have moved past that stage.

Okay, so this one is not funny. But you have to admit, my little girl is adorable.

"If you have seen this man, please, do not approach him. Contact............."

Dude Underesti-Mated Boa's Aggressive Surgical Strike
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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Linking Back To Her Greatness




The Night I Eluded The Grip Of Death

While perusing a few of the blogs that I follow, I came across something that reminded me of a story from my past. It seems that Tara over at the word for love is...... has an understandable fear of raccoons. And, while I am not terrified of them, I can understand her plight.


This story took place while I was still in college. My buddy and I went out for a beer(s) after mid terms to celebrate not failing out. Normally, we would hang out at his crib and play Coolboarders 2 on PS1 but it was one of those nights that hanging in wasn't gonna cut it. Now, there is nothing to note while we were at the bar so I am going to fast forward to when we stumbled back to the shack.

Thankfully, the apartment was next door to a Seven-Eleven and they always had nachos and two for one hot dogs. And, in our drunken state, sustenance was of much importance, as well as an extra large Mountain Dew Slushy for re hydration. It wasn't terribly late, I'd say it was somewheres around midnight and Coolboarders was calling. As we cut around the corner of the store, we were in the middle of a heated debate on the topic of cheez whiz when my buddy eyed a raccoon in his yard. Being hammered and having brain freeze from the slush's must have caused a temporary lapse of better judgement because we began to chase that fuzzy little bastard around the back yard. It did not take long for us to become winded and he was a quick little sucker, thus, he got away. For whatever reason, we stayed downstairs and ate our food while Mr Raccoon went on about his business. OR SO WE THOUGHT.

As we neared the stairway to the apartment, we heard a scratching sound above us. We paid it no mind because we were again caught in the argument about the pros and cons of cheez whiz. At the top step, I saw something shiny on the other side of the deck. Me, being the curious one started toward the shiny, while my buddy went into the apartment. As I drew nearer to this unknown shiny thing, I suddenly realized that the shiny was not a treasure, but a cornered, pissed off, rabies laced raccoon that had had enough of us drunk humans. I froze, his tail was all puffed out and he started hissing and getting mouthy. At that moment, I chose to flee instead of fight. Like a superhero, I sprung into the air and swung my legs over the hand rail to the stairs. I could hear that little bastard gaining traction above me. I hit a little further down on the stairs than I would have liked but I had just looked death in the face and was not going to let him take me on this night. Like a track star, I sprinted through the yard toward my car. He was gaining on me. It was like somebody being chased in a horror movie. No matter how fast I went, he went faster. As I got to my car, I swung the door open to get in and in doing so, the little devil spawn rammed head first into my car door. I jumped in, slammed the door shut and watched as he stumbled around trying to regain his senses. Finally, after a minute or two, he shook off the cob webs and started to trot down the alley. I opened my door slowly, I did not want to frighten him into charging back to finish me off. As I shut the door quietly, I was interrupted by loud laughter. I looked up on the deck to find my buddy, his roommate and two chicks having a funny on my behalf.

Damn Raccoons.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Life Is Good, Indeed

I am not worthy. This morning I woke up, made some coffee and began to catch up on some bloggers that I  had fallen behind on and to my surprise, I was awarded this snazzy little ditty.

The awesomely kind and naughty Mynx made mention of me on her blog, Dribble. I am truly thankful for those of you that take a little time out of your day to read about me and the meaningless babble that oozes from my simple little mind. Thank you Mynx. If you have not jumped over to Mynx's blog's yet, I would kindly ask that you do. If racy is your speed, look no further than Mynx's Secret Pleasures. I will warn you now. you may have the sudden urge to play pocket pool. For those of you who are not into Billiards, Mynx's Dribble may be a little more your speed. I implore you to check them both out. She is wonderful people.

With great power, comes great responsibility, so, as the rules state, I must link back to the award giver, answer some questions, which I will do next, and lastly, I forward this award on to others that I deem worthy.

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

I like for people to know who it is that they are dealing with so I would not choose to be anonymous. I feel that anonymity has very little place in this world. I used to be very reclusive but time is short. I do not want to remain faceless any longer.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. 

This one I will leave for my wife. She will enjoy answering this. Oh Beth !!!!!!! I need your assistance.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

Good question. Hard answer. I see a broken man mostly. I see someone who spent a good deal of his life (wanting) when everything I needed was right in front of me. I see a man who struggles with his identity, his faith and his disorder.

4. What is your favourite summer cold drink?

Iced Mocha

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

I like to golf, wrench on a car, lie in bed listening to music.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?

There are many things that I want to accomplish, but the one that sticks out has to do with my daughter.
I simply want to accomplish at making her feel loved, making her feel important. 

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?

I would say that I was a shy person in elementary and high school. Class clown in college.

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

Holding my little girl for the first time. 

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in you blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

I would rather let readers know about me. Whatever they want to know. I am an open book.

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

Normally, I would rather read a book, but lately, I have been feeling the need to talk to cuz. He is the closest thing that I have to a brother.

And finally, I need to reward a few other bloggers who I dig and think are worthy. So, here they are in no particular order.

1. Abigail at Dobler's Crisis

2. Dani Q at OBSESSED

3. Krissy at Talkative Taurus

So, in summary, thank you, you naughty, naughty, naughty Mynx. I am humbled yet again by your generosity. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Birth of Naughty

Pig Tails.
Some women wear them cause "they are fun".
Some don't wear them, but there are many who do. These women are the topic of today's post.
A couple of posts back, I had to share with you, five of my guilty pleasures, and they were as follows:

1. Watching Women's Soccer.

2. Watching the head settle on a newly poured glass of stout.

3. Hunting cyber terrorists, PS3 style.

4. System of a Down.

5. Ladies that wear they're hair up in Pig tails.

Now, I must fill you in as to why pig tails hit my daddy button.

It was Friday night. My two best friends (Chewy & Miller) and I always started the weekend off by meeting at Chew's apartment for the weekly Friday night pre-load. Each one of us would stop by the liquor store, find weird and off the wall beer, purchase a six pack and have a few cold ones before we ventured out into the night. This night began like any other. Three sixer's of weird beers, all of which had extremely high alcohol content, a pie and conversation.
As we sat on the deck, we started in on why females were evil. (At that time, the three of us got kicked to the curb by long time girlfriends that, "wanted to experience college with no strings", or, as we heard it, they wanted the freedom to get liquored up, allow random dudes to tap that ass and not have to worry about what we would think) So, we did what most enginerds would do, we began to compile a list of the evil deeds that women do. But, at some point, we went from compiling a list of the evil deeds to compiling a list of things that women do to solidify "naughty status". And, here are the top five:

1. Any woman who wears a ball cap while wearing a bikini top and short shorts. NAUGHTY
2. Any woman that can bend over, touch the ground flat handed with out buckling at the knee. NAUGHTY
3. Any woman that would rather go commando. NAUGHTY
4. Any woman that wears a Catholic schoolgirl uniform that is not Catholic and/or is not enrolled in a school that requires it's students wear uniforms. NAUGHTY
5. Any woman that wears they're hair in either pig tails or a pony tail. NAUGHTY

If one of us happened to find a lady that fit any or all of these criteria, it was agreed upon that it was necessary, for the betterment of mankind, to generate proof of the naughty, i.e. polaroid, video via cell phone, etc. I will admit that during the year that this list had become law, not one of us was able to find such a woman, BUT,
I must confess,
pig tails may have been the driving stimulus used on the night that my daughter was concieved. One cannot be sure, but I will contend that it did not worsen the chances.

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Saturday, January 08, 2011

I Suck, But I Can Drive

I admit it. I suck. I am a whoreable blogger. Bruce pimps me out like a two bit and I go M.I.A. for five days. The nerve. I apologize to the peeps for being inactive but I had a few personal issues that needed tending to. Things are getting back to normal so I should be able to interact a little more.

A couple of days ago, I was on my way home from my In-Law's place, which is about 40-50 miles away. The trip is a breeze, consisting of open highway almost all the way but it can also be a tricky little trek if the weather dumps a boatload of snowman poop on the roads. There is a lot of open space so the wind can make things slick, and do it in a hurry. So, the scene was set for a little bit of trouble but nothing all that major, right? NOT.

It is my humble opinion that every single year, the people of Indiana forget the basics when operating a motor vehicle in inclimate weather. It's horrible. So, there I was, tooling down the highway at around 45 mph's in my little Volkswagen, Bear in the back seat oblivious to the danger lurking ahead. Some 500 feet ahead of me, a semi driver decides that jack knifing is fun and spins out in front of me. As his trailer swings around in the median, I notice that it is not stopping in the median, and continues to swing back onto the highway. It was like slow motion. My brain started breaking down all possible scenarios.

Scenario 1, Continue current path, slowing down, sustaining only minimal damage by hitting the back wheels at slow speed. Not good, cars behind, don't trust that they are paying attention and will fall back. Daughter flashes into the rear view, looking like she was seeing a real life dinosaur. Trailer may have full load and be heavy, making impact worse than expected.

Scenario 2, Veer left into median, down shifting to a stop next to the cab, avoiding accident and damage to the car. Not good, full size pick up in left lane, moving much faster than he should because he believes that his big ass 4WD is nails on ice. WRONG, he tapped on his breaks and slid off into the median but avoided collision, thankfully.

Scenario 3, The impossible. Detach seat belt and jump into backseat. Detach Bears seat belt, dive through the passenger side window while protecting daughter from glass, and then performing a perfect judo roll to the road side. Car totalled, daughter and daddy safe with only minor bumps and bruises. Like I said, impossible.

Scenario 4, Flare my testicles, drop into 3rd gear, and punch it Fast and Furious style to attempt squeezing  through an ever closing gap between impending trailer and guard rail.
Dropped into third, hammer pedal to the floor, guided car through the window without being swiped by the trailer or leaving paint on the guard rail. It's all good in the hood. I slowed the car to a halt and hung on the side of the road for a minute, wanting to make sure the semi driver was okay. Cops arrived on the scene, waved me on. De flare the, not yet. Arrive at home and bring the biggins out to give my hot neighbor a look see. Damn, she's not outside, and why would she be, it's negative 3 with wind chill. Okay, in the house with my baby girl, nuggets deflate. Tear up because I remembered my daughters face in the rear view. Little voice interrupts my train of thought, and says "Chillax daddy, we are safe."

Indeed baby, indeed.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Something To Ponder

I was listening to Anberlin this morning while on the way to drop Bear off at school and a verse in the song entitled (*Fin) from their Cities album always seems to rev up my thought motor. I started wondering about how other's would perceive the message, if at all. If it does intrigue you, share your take on it. You can listen to the song if you scroll down to the bottom of my home page, as it is included in the music player. Listening to the entire song, I believe, would explain more of what he is getting at, but, this verse in particular is on a constant rotation in my mind, especially the "Were not questioning God, just those He chose, to carry on His Cross.

Billy, don't you understand?
Timothy stood as long as he could and now
you made his faith disappear.
More like a magician and less like a man of the cloth.
We're not questioning God.
Just those he chose to carry on His cross.
We're no better, you'll see.
Just all of us, the lost causes.

This is not a soapbox for arguing your faith or lack thereof. It is a simple question that I hope some of you answer. It is not an open invitation to bash faith, religion, etc. I'll explain what it is that I take from the song and why it stands out for me.  
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Monday, January 03, 2011


Hello and welcome to what I hope well be the first of many posts this year. Now that I have had a day or two to lick my wounds and catch my breath from this past holiday season, all in all, it was a good time. My daughter was crazy. Three days of opening gifts, good food and spending time with our loved ones was an assault on her senses but she held up well.

Bruce is a dudes dude. If you have not wiggled over to The Guy Book, you should do so. Right Now!! Don't waste your time here. I promise you that nothing said within these texts will match up with the contents contained in Bruce's book. I must have schmoozed just enough to warm his innards because he mentioned me writing a little sump, sump'n pertaining to witnessing the miracle of child birth from a guy's point of view. I know. That could go so many ways. I am actually nervous.

The wife (Beth) and I snuggled up on the couch and watched while the ball dropped to end yet another year. This year is one that we would rather forget. We shared a kiss, laughed a little and enjoyed the silence together. Bear lye fast asleep in her bed, dreaming of something that put a smile on her face, hugging Stripes (her new bush baby) and Softy Ladybug (her new pillow pet). It's moments like those that I tend to lose sight of when I consume myself with worry, doubts and fears of the everyday. Being a parent is hard. It's awesome but it is hard. Especially for someone with O.C.D. There is already enough crap up there, floating around in between my ears.

Speaking of dopey stuff stuck up top, I think that I will share a few stories with you pertaining to some of the more humorous happenings of my life. I have noticed that many of you share your everyday and at times, rehash a funny story from your past. I wanted to make it a point to share some of my lighter moments with you. So, here and there, I'll throw in a piece of my past so that you may learn a little bit more about me and what makes me tick Hopefully, I won't scare any of you away. In the next day or two, I'll roll out the story of why pigtails get my mojo risin' and  how they came to be "naughty".

Thank you all for stopping in. I enjoy the comments and well wishes so very much. I cannot tell you all how much this blogging thing has helped me with my day to day junk. I pray that this finds you all well.