Sunday, November 21, 2010

I Hate Florida.

How is everybody (if anybody) doing on this fine Sunday evening? I am writing this with a bitter look stuck to my face. Asshole face David Gerard of the Jag's decided to ruin my day by pulling another long strike out of his ars, defeating the Browns 24-20. If he was standing in front of me right now, I would punch him in the neck. Him and his little lacky, Mo Jo Drew. It just adds another reason to my expanding "Why I Hate The State of Florida" list. Some of you maybe wondering why I have a grudge the size of Texas against Florida. Here are only a few reasons.

Reason #1 University of Miami (Thug U)
1a. Ray Lewis
Underneath is an example of what the entrance application may look like for football recruits.


Requirements for entry into the University of Miami Football Program

1. Possible candidate must have at least (but not limited to) two gold teeth.
2. Basic writing, reading and verbal skills are preferred, but not required.
3  You must be able to run the forty yard dash in under 4.5 seconds.
4. Guns must be checked in before entering ANY training facilities. 
5. It is the players responsibility to either A.) attend class B.) not attend class or C.) not attend class but say you have. (Establish Payoff Arrangement with Professor, so in return, you will have perfect attendance)
6. It is imperative that no one talk about wages earned while being part of the program. 

If you agree to the terms listed above, please sign in the space below.
(If you are unable to write your name, You may insert a dash (example "-")

Reason # 2 Florida State University
(See University of Miami For Explanation)

Reason # 3 Snakes
I'm not talking garter snakes or those little green tree snakes. I'm talking about the poisonous, "it is my intention to kill you" kind of snakes. Please read previous post entitled "Why Did It Have To Be Snakes"

Reason # 4 Alligators
Not only are they dangerous to your physical well being, but now, they are protected under a state law. If one happens to mow one down while driving down the interstate, the driver may be fined and/or imprisoned. 

Reason # 5 General Population
People that call Florida they're home are certifiable. They can't drive. Killing someone for no reason is common practice. They take pride in the Everglades and it's blood thirsty inhabitants. 
Snakes are common household pets that, in some cases, are released into the Glades when they become to large to for the owner to take care of. Now, there several species, not native to Florida that are overrunning the place and ruining the fragile ecosystem that presently exists.

That is only five reasons why I dislike Florida. I would go into some more of them but I am already worked up enough. I need a few minutes to clear my mind and refocus. I pray that this finds you well.

Later

4 comments:

Drake Sigar said...

But on the other hand, they have Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. :)

ib said...

Drake, one would conclude that an actor with the skill set of D.J. would tip the scale in favor of the U. but even he, who has contributed his talent's to an array of epic movies such as Tooth Fairy and The Game Plan, is unable to sway my opinion on said state. While your argument is valid, it brings to light another reason why I dislike that damned state. Horatio Caine.

Drake Sigar said...

You go too far sir! Nobody drips sarcasm over the most electrifying man in sports entertainment. True his spiraling career in family friendly movies makes me want to plunge my thumbs into my eye sockets, but this does not detract from the fact that he is awesomeness incarnate.

ib said...

Poor Drake. You are feeding to frenzy. It is true, The Rock did give us "Can You Smell, l,l,l,l,l,l,l what The Rock is cooking?", but this in no way should pardon him from taking on roles that he is not suited for. If he were to stick to movies like Doom or The Mummy, then he would garner more praise for awesomeness, but, until he realizes this, he will continue to be some dude from Florida that I could live without.