Thursday, August 26, 2010

My Precious !!!!

The picture above is of my baby girl and was taken while cruising around a lake in Arkansas. She was about two, and I happened upon it while going through our pictures a few nights ago. I wanted to share it with you. It got me thinking about fatherhood and how it has impacted my life. I remember my wife in the delivery/surgery room getting prepped for emergency c-section, thinking, "in a few minutes, my life will be forever changed". I remember seeing our baby for the first time and how small she was. I remember being torn between following the nurses that had my little girl and staying with my wife, who was laid up, just having had our life cut from her belly. In my confusion, my wife, anesthesia and all, looked right into my eyes and said, "go with our daughter". It was hard to leave her, but it was even harder to the watch nurses put my little girl in an incubator and roll her out of the door, making a b-line to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. She was two months early. I was told that it would be a few minutes before I could go in and be with her because there was still a few things that they had to do for her. I remember walking to the lobby where our family sat, waiting for the news. I was in a daze at this point, having been there to witness the birth of a baby that God blessed us with. I am still unable to put into words, the feelings I experienced while I was walking down that hospital hallway. I immediately thought of my parents. They are good parents. The fear, the pride, the excitement, the worry, my wife, my baby. My mind was working a mile a minute. I remember, as I walked out into the waiting area, looking at my Dad first. He stood up immediatly. He, who was father to three children, knows me too well. He knew I was going to burst into tears. And, I did. I can still see the joy and excitement in my sisters eyes, when I choked out the words, "she is so beautiful". One at a time, family members came up to congratulate me and ease the  emotional whirlwind that I was in. I remember walking every single one of them back to see their new niece, their new granddaughter, our daughter. I remember hearing her cry as I walked into the N.I.C.U. This was the first time that I had been allowed to be with our baby but I knew her cry. I remember her little hand, curling around my finger.

I remember every detail of that day. It echoed in my thoughts for days after and every once in a while, a random memory will pop into my head. For example, while walking to the N.I.C.U. a nurse passed me in the hall. It was like I had my thoughts and emotions written in permanent marker on my forehead. "NEW DAD", "SCARED". She smiled and walked by. She knew that face. I'm sure she had seen it hundreds of times before. That "glow" that a new dad has. I remember tears welling up in my mom's eyes as she looked down at her teeny tiny granddaughter. I remember my sisters, beaming. I remember my dad, the Vietnam Vet and ex Ohio State Trooper, staring at this little girl while tears collected in his eyes.

He later went on to tell me that when he was in that moment, he had flashbacks of being there, staring at his daughters (my sisters), when they were introduced to this world.

Thanks for stopping in. See you on the flip-side


Anonymous said...

That is a beautiful picture that you took of your daughter. Thanks for the comment that you left on my blog. i was hoping that some people would feel entitled to watch the movie. being the age that i am, i think the actor who plays Michael (i think that's what his name was) is just so adorable. thanks for following my blog. means a lot.

ib said...

Thank you. I know what it feels like, to struggle with depression, anxiety and all of the little things that others don't see. You are stronger than your illness and there is a light at the end of all this junk. If your having a bad day, post a comment on here, I check often and if I could help in any way, I will.

Be Well